Wednesday, October 17

I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again

CMT 5:30 p.m.

Oh, honey, you really can't live your life like this. Sure, it would've been nice to marry Biff Banhoff, captain of the football team, but that's over now. Your streaky dye job and those pleated jeans aren't winning any contests, but the kid who sold you printer cartridges yesterday looked down your blouse. It's the little victories we grasp to get us by now, sweetheart. The little victories.

Thursday, October 18

Repo Men: Stealing for a Living

Discovery Times 8:00 p.m.

I figure becoming a repo man is my last legal chance to pistol-whip somebody. It looks so cool in the movies. You bust out a revolver and powder somebody right in the beak. Although, maybe this is too ambitious a leap from my current station in life. Perhaps I should start to toughen up by brushing the Cheerios out of my teeth and removing my Spider Man watch.

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