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Tuesday, December 4

The Biggest Loser

NBC 8:00 p.m.

The definition for "crushing disappointment" in the dictionary should have a picture of that blonde guy from Bosom Buddies. You know, because his costar was a plucky, green Tom Hanks, who became the biggest actor in human history, and now blondie is a part-time orangutan washer in an off-brand circus. The high point of Tom Hanks's day is a Learjet ride to buy the crown jewels of a Balkan state, and what's-his-name's favorite 20 minutes is that pants-around-the-ankles nap he gets to take in a hot porto-john after lunch with the bearded lady, who is his girlfriend, who is a man.

Wednesday, December 5

Santa Clause is Comin' to Town

ABC 8:00 p.m.

I'd like to light a mall Santa's beard on fire. Because that thing's attached to him and made of, I'm guessing, a wildly flammable material. I would stand there with a cup from Orange Julius as he thrashed about, and when he grabbed for it to douse himself, I would laugh, "The cup is empty! Ha! Sucker!" Of course, this would all be "movie magic." No Santas would be harmed during the production of the USA original movie Anthony Olivieri's -- A Santa on Fire.

Thursday, December 6

Survivor China

CBS 8:00 p.m.

Is this still on? If Survivor China were a feature at a party, it would be a tragically misplaced eye patch in the punch bowl. Everyone would know it's there, but no one would talk about it, and we're sure as hell not filling our cup again.

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