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Tuesday, December 18 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Spike 5:30 p.m. There's a mystery stain on my bedspread. The color can only be called "oranurpleen" and it's texture described as "oily yet oddly granular." Which is too bad because today is a meeting of my Household Items Star Wars Fan Club, and I'm supposed to wear it as an Emperor Palpatine costume. Chewbacca will belittle me. Again. Chewbacca, you cruel Wookie. Can't you feel empathy beneath that ragged remnant of shag carpet?

Wednesday, December 19 Sportscenter ESPN 9:00 p.m. This isn't funny, but it's true. Ruth Bader Ginsberg set up an intramural hallway soccer league around the offices of the Supreme Court. Since there are nine judges, Chief Justice John Roberts acts as referee, but he's impartial. Rumor has it during the last game he was witnessed shouting, "SCALIA! SCALIA! SCALIA!" I mean, for the love of sweet molasses, you're not even trying to cover up your partisanship anymore. Damned Chief Justice John Roberts, always screwing things up. Such a jerk!

Thursday, December 19 Al Diablo con Los Guapos Telemundo 8:00 p.m. Evel Knievel died last week, and if there were any justice in this filthy world he'd be strapped to a motorcycle, doused in bourbon, lit on fire, the throttle would be tied wide open, and his flaming hulk would be shot into the Snake River Canyon. And instead of mumbling, "Rest in Peace," everyone at the service would shout, "Rest in radness!" RIR, Evel. RIR!

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