Wednesday, December 12 Sam the Cooking Guy CA4SD 7:00 p.m.

While we're discussing food: I'd like all foodstuffs to be bioengineered, cross-pollinating everything's DNA with that of Teflon DNA. So when you drop a bit of meat or a prune on the floor and you pick it up, that one hair that managed to cling to the underside will magically slide off. Really, that gift is for us all. I'm nothing if not generous.

Thursday, December 13 Great Gifts QVC 7:00 p.m.

And the 400dsth and final Christmas present!: that Lawrence of Arabia outfit. I'm not joking. It's been 21 years. Let's hop to it. My friends and family should be ashamed of themselves, really.

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