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#2 Nickelback

"Far Away" Goo Goo Dolls II. Nickelback is the sappiest of sappy slow rock bands. They've captured a part of the market in which teen girls cycle through their emotions. When a girl gets a crush on the football quarterback, it's all Mariah Carey. After she runs crying from the gymnasium because Johnny Jockstrap won't date a girl shaped like a bag of donuts, it's all Nickelback, cookie dough, and Kleenex, baby. Rating: both hands crossed over my heart, where it hurts, because I'll never love anyone else ever.

#1 Weird Al Yankovic

"White and Nerdy" I watched this with my girlfriend and said, "Wait a minute. I collect X-Men comic books, I've read Stephen Hawking, and I know HTML." She looked at me crossways and raised an eyebrow, like, " Well? " Rating: my hand flat against my forehead while I cry, "GAH! I'm a geek!"

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