Snooping for porn when I was a kid was more important to me than school or my friends or pets or damn near everything except breathing or eating. If given the choice, I would have opted to hold my breath or skip a meal now and then. It was a gamble. If my parents ever found out that I had been diving through other people's rooms, closets, and cabinets, they would've whipped my ass good. But when you're 13 and you happen upon a stack of slick covered nudie books, it's like finding ten Christmases and a birthday piled up in a nightstand cupboard.
The first cache of dirty magazines I'd ever nosed out was my grandfather's. It was only a few Playboys and one of the racier Penthouses. Although, I would've liked to stumble across something a little dirtier back then, I think about it now with relief. Nobody wants to know his Poppa is a pervy dirtbag, and his collection was thankfully tame.
The idea to snoop his room for porn came to me one day while watching cartoons. He was out in the front yard working on a motorcycle. Soon enough he came in to get his keys and his hat.
"I'm going to town to get a part for the bike. You want to go?" he asked.
In an award-winning bit of acting, I cocked my head to the side and looked up in deep thought. "Hmmm..." I touched my chin and pretended to mull the idea over, when what I was really thinking was, "BOOBS. BOOBS. BOOBS! THERE ARE MAGAZINES WITH BOOBS RIGHT HERE IN THE HOUSE!"
"Going to town sounds good," I answered. "But I think I'll stay and watch Bugs Bunny."
"Okay, watch your shows. I'll be right back," he told me before heading his truck down the driveway. Once it had disappeared from view I was doing an elated prance down the hallway.
I had them all spread out on the floor of his room, each one opened to the centerfold, and I was comparing them to find my favorites when I heard his boots clomp down the hallway and stop at the open door. I tried to get them back into a stack and shoved away, and my mind raced to think of some excuse for being in his room, but it was no use. He'd caught me.
"Put 'em away when you're through," the ol' man said and clomped his boots back down the hallway and out in the front yard. Grandpas are cool.
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, April 13
Commander In Chief
ABC 10:00 p.m. Keep this a secret. I don't want it getting back to my dad that there's the possibility a woman can be president, even if it's only a television show. He'd work himself up into such a lather that he'd have a stroke right there in his front room.
ESPN 10:00 a.m. This is the perfect time to watch sumo wrestling. Everyone's had a cup of coffee and a smoke. We're all braced for the day. It's well after breakfast and before lunch. Let's do it. Let's watch some giant Japanese men in black thongs give each other atomic wedgies.
Friday, April 14
The Tony Danza Show
ABC 9:00 a.m. Tony Danza should fight Regis Philbin and Kelly Rippa in a cage match. They can battle it out to see who's in charge of morning TV. Also, there should be a monkey with a knife.
Saturday, April 15
Hot Rocks: Geology of Civilization
SCIENCE 12:00 p.m. WOO! Rocks! Yay, Geology! Science is cool! Woo hoo! Okay. I give up. I tried. Unless there are bikini models draped over them, I don't think a show about rocks is going to pick up much of a following.
The Ten Commandments (1956)
ABC 7:00 p.m. Charlton Heston crashes his spaceship in ancient Egypt and has to fight a horde of ape people to free the Jews from slavery. Or, maybe I'm mixing something up here.
Sunday, April 16
Robert Ludlum's Covert One: The Hades Factor (2006)
CBS 9:00 p.m. What? Is that English? It looks like English, but it looks like it's been translated into Japanese and then back again. "Party Good Good Love Dog: Do Hand Song."
Monday, April 17
The O'Reilly Factor
FNC 8:00 p.m. I knew I recognized Bill O'Reilly from somewhere. Oh, those days with that traveling Drag Queen Burlesque. All those towns we saw. All the empty bottles of wine and lines on the mirror. No one can rock a feather boa and pair of clip-on dangle earrings like old Bill, or I should say, Wilhelmina "Willy" Callmelater. He had this little dance he would do...oh, it was beautiful. You should've seen it.
Tuesday, April 18
Celebrity Cooking Showdown
NBC 8:00 p.m. What? This is a show? Who gives a fat rat's ass about Patti LaBelle's quiche? If you do, you need to GO OUTSIDE and talk to people, REAL people. Meet someone for coffee or ride a bike or something.
Wednesday, April 19
America's Next Top Model
UPN 8:00 p.m. In case I haven't been annoyed enough by Wednesday night, I'll be sure to tune in to get an assload of irritation.
Thursday, April 20
The Ultimate Fighter
SPIKE 10:00 p.m. If this season's Ultimate Fighter was a girl I'd hold her hand and pick daisies from a field for her. We could picnic in a park and name our future children. Wow, that's weird. Even for me that's a little weird. I've made myself uncomfortable.