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I finally met up with Jamie and she introduced me to her fiancé Adrian. He grabbed us a few appetizers from a waitress walking by. And someone brought up something that tasted like the egg rolls at Jack in the Box. We then got into a conversation about our favorite fast foods. When he mentioned the tacos at Jack in the Box, I said I eat them on occasion, but that I think they're crappy and greasy. He said, "I don't know what the meat is they use. It could be assholes and eyeballs; I don't care. They taste good."

The waitresses were soon telling everyone to go downstairs for dinner. The DJ stopped spinning tunes so a guy could tell us about the activities going on below. They had a second party they were hosting upstairs, and they also wanted everyone to hit the restaurant on the ground floor. He ended by emphasizing, "And there's lots of food. Just take the elevator to get to the food."

There was one blonde in a blue outfit that was so drunk she couldn't walk. There was another guy we thought was drunk, but we weren't sure. He was in a wheelchair, missing a leg, and had a beer in his hand. Adrian said, "I don't think he's drunk. I just think he's asleep." I don't know why he'd fall asleep in the middle of the event if there wasn't alcohol involved. Someone else overheard this and said, "Do you think it takes less alcohol to get you drunk if you're missing your arms and legs? There's less blood in your body, so I would assume you'd be drunk after just one or two beers."

Downstairs there were some statues, and Adrian, who had a little buzz going, was fondling a few of them. He was doing it mostly to make us laugh, and he was doing a great job. He was hysterical. When we were waiting in line for pizza, we were joking with two cute girls. One of them said to me, "You know he's gay, right?" I replied, "That would be news to his fiancé." She insisted that nobody would act the way he did. He was spanking a few waitresses that walked by and being flamboyant. When I told him what the girls said, he then went into a gay voice and talked about their outfits. He was being sarcastic, but one of them said, "See, see! Listen to that voice."

We stood there eating our pizza and laughing as Adrian would cut in line for another slice. When the cook left for a few minutes, Adrian walked behind the table and started cooking, throwing a few pieces into the air and onto the pan. It was like watching Robin Williams. A less hairy Robin Williams.

Adrian would go up to the women and occasionally say things like "I'm not gay just because I bring men to bed once in a while." It would always make me laugh, but they would always say "See?"

I asked Jamie how they met. She told me the story of seeing him in college and wanting to sit next to him. She said, "I thought he was cute, and when he started talking to me, I realized we had a lot in common. I did some traveling, and we weren't dating for awhile. When I came back, one of our friends said he kept talking about me. I never even thought I would get married. He proposed to me on the rugby field."

One waitress we joked with looked like Hilary Swank. I always seem to run into women that look like her. When we told her that, she said, "I hear it all the time. And I always think of how she looked in Boys Don't Cry, and that scares me."

One young kid that was working there overheard this and asked me about movies. It turns out he wants to be a filmmaker. We talked about Sin City. I told him I liked it but thought the dialog could've been better, especially with Quentin Tarantino involved. He said Tarantino was one of his favorites. A lady walking by said, "Why do young people love that guy's movies? He's so overrated."

There were oysters and caviar, but I stayed away from those. They had this lobster on crackers that were delicious. And, with Adrian bringing me drinks, I was getting pretty blitzed. Once the fog machine started going, I was sure I was going to fall on my ass.

I was running late for a racquetball game and called my friend to tell him I'd be late. I sat down, hoping to sober up a bit. I asked Adrian if it bothered him that those two women thought he was gay. He said, "No. But it's funny that one of them had so much metal in her face it was scary. And she's commenting on me. The other one said she had been involved in a threesome. I think she was looking for another threesome. And she was the one that said she had a boyfriend that wasn't here."

I waited another 15 minutes and then had the valet bring my car over. I tried not to stumble, thinking they wouldn't let me drive off if they thought I was drunk. I knew I only had to make it to Friars Road, otherwise I wouldn't have driven. My drink total was only five apple martinis.

I made it to the racquetball court and tried playing. Wayne said, "What's wrong? You're missing every shot." I was swinging the racquet like I was swatting at flies.

I just hope I got enough exercise in the short time we played to burn off the pizza and lobster calories.

Crash your party? Call 619-235-3000 x421 and leave an invitation for Josh Board.

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