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  • Wild Rescues
  • ANIMAL PLANET, 5:30 a.m.

There are feral parrots in Ocean Beach. The telephone wire outside my bedroom window must look like Niagara Falls to the exotic birds because every morning I'm squawked awake by some young avian couple consummating their nuptial vows. I'm starting a war that will escalate from propaganda pamphlets (written in parrot) to hot water thrown from my window to the "nuclear" option: a pellet gun. You parrots are messing with a SON OF A BITCH now!

  • Wednesday, June 15
  • High School High (1996)
  • TBS, 8:00 a.m.

In tenth-grade Civics class we were taught the "Old Lady Microwaves Poodle" urban legend as if it were the gospel truth. After graduating I had to unlearn 13 years of California public education.

  • Thursday, June 16
  • Sighting in With Shooting USA
  • Outdoor Life Network, 5:30 p.m.

I met Trigg in the parking lot of K-Mart. You don't meet a Polish gunrunner behind the building in the dark, you want him out front, under the lights. He barked at the short, curvy Mexican gal, and she pulled a lever next to the driver's seat to pop the trunk. In the trunk was a heavy olive green lock box that ran the entire width of the navy blue Lincoln Town Car. "Come Fly with Me" rattled out of the tinny dashboard speakers.

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