Watching the Oscars

I remember when I got my first apartment 15 years ago. Two of my male friends came over and made fun of the amount of magazines on my coffee table. One said, "I understand Rolling Stone, but you have People, Us, and these other Hollywood chick magazines." Well, for people who read those magazines, the Oscars is the show to watch. You wonder if, when Tom Cruise is onstage, will the cameras show Nicole Kidman? You wonder if Jennifer Lopez is going to wear another revealing dress. Or whether Cher will go back to the days when she wore crazy stuff. Maybe she will have had another plastic surgery we can comment on.

Since I had two different parties I wanted to hit, I knew 1 probably wouldn't stay long at the first one. I wouldn't mind leaving while Joan Rivers is making fun of people's clothing, not knowing who half the actors are, in the preshow. But there is no way I was going to leave in the middle of the ceremony while an Oscar is being given out.

It's a shame that the first party I went to was so elaborate. Linda, who's a flight attendant, has this party every year. She says, "The guys have to wear tuxedos, and with the women we want to see cleavage. We want it to look like you're attending the ceremony when you show up here." I wore a Homer Simpson shirt with him holding an Oscar in one hand and a hot dog in the other. It said, "Best Featured Condiment on a Supporting Roll." So I was a bit under-dressed, to say the least. Another guy wore a polo shirt, but it was from Pacific Theatres. At least the both of us, not looking as sharp as the others, had movie-related clothing on.

Steve and Linda had decorated their Pacific Beach home nicely. There were movie posters everywhere. It was mostly old classic films. The only one that was current was the nominated best animated feature Finding Nemo.

And, aside from the food they were serving, the coffee table was filled with all kinds of movie-theater snacks. There were Milk Duds, Red Vines, and other assorted candy. There was also a big-screen TV. (Am I the only one who doesn't yet have a big screen?)

There was betting, which I usually love. Since I was leaving soon, I didn't participate. It cost $3 and you had to pick a winner for every category. When I guessed 6-for-6 the winners of the main categories (none of which were unexpected), I wished I had made the bet. I found out, though, that a teacher won. He got 21 out of 26, because he picked Lord of the Rings for everything. One of the people in attendance told me, "Once Lord of the Rings won a few categories, we all started looking at our betting sheets. We realized if we didn't pick this movie in the other categories, we were screwed."

During the commercials, the flight attendant grabbed the snacks and walked around offering them to people as if we were passengers on her plane. It was funny. Some people were saying, "I want a pillow," or "Can you tell the guy in front of me to move his seat up?"

Leslie's kitchen

The Oscars were ten minutes from starting, so I headed to Point Loma for the second party. I was happy to see another big screen, and also happy there weren't as many people. There were fewer than 15 here. At the previous party. I'm sure half the stuff Billy Crystal had said wouldn't have been heard over the large crowd.

There were only two other guys here. I was surprised when all the women went crazy when Michael Douglas was shown with Catherine Zeta-Jones. They were saying, "He's way too old for her. They look ridiculous together."

There was only one child here, a baby, and lucky for us, he was very well behaved. He did knock over a bowl of chips in the kitchen, which his mother spent the next 15 minutes sweeping up. But I was making more of a mess than the kid. Leslie had made brownies that were so good, covered in chocolate chips and bits of toffee. When you bit into them, the chips fell everywhere. I'm sure she's going to find chocolate chips between her couch cushions for years to come.

Some of the food

There was lots of food here; nachos, tacos, salad, and a large variety of desserts. There was lemon bread, pie, a few different kinds of brownies, and cake. I didn't realize, until just now writing this, that there wasn't any booze. Instead there were different kinds of soda, apple cider, bottled water, and Pepsi.

I was surprised when the women went from a long discussion about food, wondering when M&Ms are going to have color again, to talking about how much they loved The Lord of the Rings. I thought that was a movie that most women stayed away from. And whenever the camera showed the cast, a few of them would say, "Look at the cute little Hobbits."

When a woman at the Oscars was wearing a weird outfit, Leslie said, "It looks like she had a wardrobe malfunction." Then it occurred to me that Billy Crystal hadn't made a joke about Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl. I thought for sure somebody would pull part of his tuxedo off to reveal his chest. Although he was naked in the beginning of the show as he put himself into the clips of the different movies.

We noticed the commercials were a lot funnier than the ones during the Super Bowl, Tiger Woods in a Caddyshack parody among them. But during most of the commercials the crowd would complain about or praise the person who'd just won an Oscar. One time we spent the entire commercial break trying to figure out a Woody Allen joke Crystal made (something about him sitting in the car while Diane Keaton was inside).

When Sandra Bullock came out, one lady said, "Where has she been?" Another replied, "Looking for a boyfriend." A lady next to me on the couch said, "Who isn't?" They also commented that she and Travolta, who were presenting an award, looked really tan. Little did I know, when Charlize

Theron came out, the same conversation would rear its ugly head again.

There was a lady at the party with a thick French accent. When they were showing the nominations of the foreign films, she made a joke about seeing movies that weren't subtitled.

It was embarrassing when I started to talk about the animated film The Triplets of Belleville. I mistakenly called it The Triplets of Bellevue. Everyone laughed, and one lady said, "That would probably be a more interesting film."

When Julia Roberts came out, one woman said, "She has nice hair." One of the guys said, "She has nice everything!" It was the only comment I heard from a man the entire night.

When an award was being given for Best Original Score, a lady asked what that meant. The response given: "I think it's a reference to Adam and Eve." Everyone laughed.

A few of these ladies started talking about the movie Stuck on You. That was the comedy with Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear as conjoined twins. Apparently, a disabled friend of theirs had gone to UCLA and wanted to get into movies. She landed a part in that (the Farrelly brothers have been known to hire people with disabilities). Their friend played a casting agent and only had a few lines.

When Sean Penn finally won his first Oscar (after three previous nominations), a woman asked, "Is there a seven-second delay?" Penn has been known in the past for cussing, and even punching, reporters. He was on his best behavior (and even kept his political comments to a minimum).

By the time the Oscars ended after three and a half hours, only four people remained at the party. The counter was a mess, with crumbs, food containers, and two fake Oscar statues. I thought the host would start cleaning up immediately, as women are known to do. I was pleasantly surprised when we instead talked for a while about her favorite movies, the great Annie Hall and Chinatown.