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Moe: Not with the bare feet!

Susie: Dad, I’m just going in the back yard.

Moe: I wouldn’t go out there with the bare feet, Susie. You don’t know what’s on the ground. Those birds are filthy; they carry disease…

Susie: Dad. It’s a lawn. The lawn feels good on bare feet…

Moe: Full of dogshit, I tell you…

Susie: Daddy, how would a dog get back here? You chase them all away…

Moe: Not too long out there, Susie…


Moe: It’s been a half an hour, Susie. You should take a break….

Susie: Why don’t you come outside, Daddy.

Moe: Because it’s hot as hell out there… And I hope you’re not getting burnt, young lady.

Susie: Fifteen more minutes, Dad. I just want a little sun before the party…

Moe: I’m going inside to fix some lunch… Whaddya say?

Susie: You know, I’m not hungry…

Moe: THIS is news…

Susie: I’m saving myself for dinner…

Moe: You know, if you just ate moderately, like I do…

Susie: Enough, Dad. No diet advice, okay?

Moe: See, you starve yourself during the day…

Susie: Dad!

Moe: Okay. Okay. Five more minutes and I’m calling you in…. Susie?

Susie: YES!

Moe: Did you hear me?

Susie: Dad, I heard you. Just a few more minutes.

Moe: The sun is directly overhead, now. The worst time to be sitting in the sun. They say these are the damaging sun rays.

Susie: Oh my God, Dad. Please…. Do I hear the phone ringing?

Moe: What?

Susie: The phone — it’s…

Moe: Son-of-a….

Susie: Should I get it?

Moe: You should get out of the sun! Son of a BITCH! BAS-tard. They HAVE to call when I’m outside…


Moe: Bastards!

Susie: Dad, don’t slam the door. You’re always yelling at me not to slam that sliding glass door and then you slam it and you’ll blame me when it breaks…. Who was on the phone?

Moe: DAMMIT. See how those moles are making holes in the lawn?

Susie: Who was on the phone, Dad?

Moe: Just a minute, just a minute! I’m not your secretary.

Susie: What are you doing with that stick, Dad?

Moe: Trying to collapse their tunnels. BASTARDS.

Susie: Who was on the phone, Dad?

Moe: What?

Susie: Who was it?

Moe: It was your mother.

Susie: What’d she want?

Moe: You won’t like it…

Susie: What did she want, Dad?

Moe: She says I shouldn’t let you sit out in the sun all day, you need to clean the house…

Susie: Fifteen minutes….

Moe: Okay, that’s enough, Susie. You’ve been out there for three-quarters of an hour….

Susie: It feels like fifteen minutes

Moe: Three quarters of an hour, already; I’ve been watching the clock.

Susie: Dad, let me just finish reading the paper and then I’ll come in and clean.

Moe: Here comes the birdie!

Susie: What birdie?

Moe: A little birdie that comes and visits me….

Susie: You must feed him — that’s the only reason he’s here…

Moe: Sure I feed him…see, he sits on the fence post and waits for me. Geez, this furniture looks like hell.

Susie: Yeah, it’s pretty old. You’ve had it since we were kids.

Moe: Shoulda painted it years ago….

Susie: …or at least covered it when it rained….

Moe: You kids used to love sitting around the table when I’d barbecue.

Susie: Why don’t you barbecue this weekend, Daddy? Some chicken, maybe.

Moe: Too much of a hassle. Wind blowing. Goddamn coals never stay hot. You gotta watch that chicken every minute….

Susie: Man, I remember that chicken.

Moe: I made a mean barbecued chicken, eh, Susie?

Susie: Yeah, you did, Dad. We loved your chicken…

Moe: It’s too hot out here. I’m going in to make lunch. Now you’re red, Susie. I can see it. You’re burning. Knock it off, already.

Susie: So what’s for lunch?

Moe: Sardine sandwich. I found one miserable can that wasn’t dented. You know to stay away from the dented cans, right?

Susie: Right, Dad.

Moe: Botulism.

Susie: Oh, for God’s sakes, Dad…

Moe: I’m dead serious! I read about it…

Susie: Five more minutes…

Moe: I’m making fried potatoes

Susie: You are? With the onions?

Moe: Yep.

Susie: You haven’t made those in years.

Moe: I know. Your mother doesn’t let me in the kitchen. Geez, I hope she bought the fat tomatoes…and watch, we’ll be out of ginger ale…. What we really need is a cream soda.

Susie: I used to love when we had cream soda at the deli. Remember, Dad? Diller’s on Fourth? You used to take me there after the orthodontist.

Moe: It’s a lousy record store now.


Moe: You know, we won’t be able to sit around and talk like this forever, Susie.

Susie: What do you mean?

Moe: I mean, one day, I’ll be gone — pass me some of that purple onion — and you’ll all regret that we didn’t spend more time like this, talking in the back yard. Having lunch.

Susie: You’re right, Daddy. I’ll miss this. Where’s the mustard?

Moe: Here…

Susie: …thanks

Moe: Wait! Wait! Wait! Not with that spoon…

Susie: Dad…

Moe: I’ll get a clean spoon…

Susie: Forget it, Dad.

Moe: No, no. I’ll get the spoon.

Susie: Weren’t you just saying how we won’t be able to do this forever? And then you get up and leave!

Moe: Keep your goddamn spoon out of that mustard till I get a clean one!

Susie: Okay, Dad. You win.

Moe: And you, big mouth, you’re getting too much sun — and that you’ll regret too. Twenty years from now, mark my words, if you don’t watch it, you’ll get skin cancer, I’m telling you… And as soon as we finish lunch, you come inside and clean the house for your mother. And put something on those feet!

This article is part of the Father's Day issue. To read additional articles from this issue, click here.

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