Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 0.0 stars

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie poster

Very much a live-action cartoon (albeit one just Dark 'n Gritty enough to merit a PG-13 rating), right down to lines like, "Drain all of their blood — even if it kills them!" Some actors (Megan Fox) try much harder than others (Whoopi Goldberg) in this tale of plucky, pretty TV journalist April O'Neill and her quest to be taken seriously via a story about vigilante teenage mutant ninja turtles who are fighting back against the notorious Foot Clan ("so named because they step over the people of New York"). But wait! Could the turtles also be connected in some way to her own past? The story mostly plays like The Amazing Spider-Man, but there are bits of The Incredibles in there, too, and by the time the famous catchphrases come out, it feels like the adolescent reptiles are stealing from themselves. Pizza Hut gets prominent placement as the favorite pie of sewer-dwelling mutants everywhere. With Will Arnett, William Fitchner. 2014.

Matthew Lickona

This movie is not currently in theaters.

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