Pain & Gain 0.0 stars

Oy, Bay! Michael Bay, the Butcher of Burbank, returns, this time with one pound of script in a 20 lb. casing and a refrigerated display case fit to bust with shoulder cut of Mark Wahlberg, prime rib of Anthony Mackie, and filet of Rock. In order to help underwrite their addiction to steroids and dumbbells (and also to impress the bitches), a trio of meathead bodybuilders resorts to a life of crime by kidnapping an unscrupulous Florida businessman (Tony Shalhoub, in a role originally meant for Albert Brooks). Even with a fact-based account to guide them — the film is based on a series of Miami New Times articles — the director and his screenwriters still can’t fashion a cohesive narrative. It’s all flash and no panache as Bay borrows heavily from the Miami Vice playbook of swish-pans, flash frames, and singed color. With Ed Harris (trying his damnedest), Rob Corrdry. 2013.

Scott Marks

This movie is not currently in theaters.

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