White Claw rage tweets

Dear Hipster:

Considering the ubiquity of pandemic-related news coverage, which has even started to infiltrate something as innocuous and not-particularly-newsworthy (no offense, obviously) as Ask a Hipster, I thought I might throw you a bone with some lighthearted, “let’s talk about the weather” kind of fun. Is May Gray the hipster version of June Gloom because it was cloudy in the morning first?

— Theresa, Normal Heights

I’m not sure if I want to respond to your aspersions of my nonexistent newsworthiness with a smug, “Hey, thanks for acknowledging how obscure and ‘above the fray’ I like to keep things,” or an indignant paraphrasing of Judge Dredd along the vein of “I am the news!” Either option leaves me feeling better about myself, so I’ve got that going for me. I guess pick whichever one of those makes you feel better about yourself, and we will both claim a win.

On the merits of your inquiry, I appreciate the sincere overture towards normality. Isn’t it about time we got back to laughing about hipsters? At the same time, we must simultaneously acknowledge and appreciate all the good things they have done for 21st-century culture. If hipsters had not persistently blogged to a readership of zero about home-cultured sourdough starters for the past decade, how would the country ever have survived the first few weeks of pandemic lockdown without stress-induced baking to relieve the crippling terror of the unknown?

Anywho, you’re right that May Gray is hipster June Gloom, but not for the reason you suggested. This may be hard to believe, but May Gray actually works the door one day a week at the Tower Bar, and plays rhodes piano in a band that my friends assure me is super good even though they’ve never made it, and legit collects movies on Laserdisc. June Gloom works in the HR department at a Fortune 1000 company and rage tweets whenever the store is out of White Claw, which is fine — I’m not here to judge — but not very hipster.

Dear Hipster:

I’m in the market for an ironically cool people mover. Think of it as a protest against the rising tide of identical crossover SUV hybrids that somehow manage to mix poor fuel efficiency with incompetent offroading, yet everybody wants them nonetheless. Is it more dope to ride around in a big old station wagon, or a cool van from the 1970s with one of those rooftop spoilers like in the A Team?

— D.

Let’s get this straight. Neither of these is a strictly bad decision on your part. It’s a virtual tie in my book. The only question that matters here is, “Does the station wagon have those seats that flip up from the floor and face backwards out the rear window?” If so, station wagon all day. Plumb near the coolest thing I can imagine is riding to a music festival with seven of your closest friends, all your stuff lashed to the roof rack, and getting to sit in those rear-facing seats. The rear-facing station wagon seat is the only example in the history of human transport where kids fought about sitting in the back instead of riding shotgun. Even the most extreme, rooftop van spoiler can’t match that for sheer ironic nostalgia factor.