It’s a trap

Dear Hipster:

What would you say if you were walking downtown and you saw a pink poster in the window of an apartment complex advertising “Hip Apartments for Lease” alongside another pink poster of a stylized turntable (ostensibly for spinning vintage vinyl in your hip apartment)? What would you say if I told you this was a real poster, spotted the other day in downtown San Diego, and I attached photo confirmation to prove it?

— Matthew

I’m going to be level with you. I bet it’s a trap, cunningly devised to lure in the unsuspecting hipster. One minute you’re asking a receptionist about the cost of a two-bed, two-bath unit. Then, suddenly and without warning, bam! You bought a meat hoodie, or something like that.

I would feel much like someone ought to feel while reading one of those timeshare advertisements that promise free island getaways, sports tickets, knockoff iPods, dinners for two, rounds of golf, and all manner of assorted swag if only you’ll sit through a short presentation. We promise it will be short. No more than two hours. Maybe three. And there might or might not be a chance for you to come back next month in order to claim your prize, because you wouldn’t want to miss out on this opportunity, would you? So, sign here — no obligation, pinky swear — and pay the $100 deposit. Don’t worry, it’s 100% refundable sort of.”

You know the feeling, like something’s... off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it, and everything’s so darned sincere, and how could anything sincere be bad?

But you kind of know it is. It’s like that sweet van with the “free candy” sign on it, and you want some candy.

Then again, maybe, and I realize I’m going out on a limb here, but, maybe they’re fashionable apartments.

Dear Hipster:

What the heck. Why is it so cold outside all of a sudden? I know it’s December, and technically “winter,” but what the heck? How am I supposed to live like this?

— Angry Frozen Person

Worry not, my frozen friend. Hipsters know a thing or two about how to survive in the cold, having spent our collected formative years taking in the best educations small, out-of-the-way liberal arts colleges festooning the parts of this country subjected to a humid continental climate.

When the mercury creeps downwards, experienced hipsters understand their survival, if I may use the term loosely, may very well depend on an ability to generate internal warmth. As a first line of defense, every sensible hipster should own one of those ironic knit caps with reindeer humping on it. I hear the ones you make yourself keep you five degrees warmer on average, but that might be fake news. Further, I give you permission to bust out that vintage ski sweater you’ve been hoarding unworn for the past three years, ever since you found it at a random sidewalk sale. If that doesn’t work, I recommend any sort of heated rum beverage, such as a Hot Buttered Rum, a Hot Rum Toddy, or (my own invention) the Hot and Stormy, which is nothing more than hot water, honey, lime juice, and dark rum in a coffee cup. If that doesn’t work for you, well, then, maybe try Florida?