Things hipsters ought to like, but don't

Hi, DJ Stevens:

Are you a real DJ or are those your initials?

— PM (initials)

I wouldn’t say I’m not a DJ. Calvin Harris has been biting my style for years. He knows I don’t like the spotlight, and so he lets me hang out with actors and supermodels at his super secret pad in...some jewel-like city that shall remain nameless. Otherwise, yeah, just my initials.

Thinking about DJs reminds me of something. Anybody remember how I was looking for ideas about stuff that hipsters ought to like, but don’t? Well, I was. But I’m not anymore. So here’s a mostly complete list, from yours truly, with some input from readers. Because it makes a nice segue, I’ll start with...

DJs: You would think that the carefree attitude (not to mention the tastefully noncommittal drug and alcohol use) of club culture would draw hipsters from far and wide, and you would think wrong. Maybe because the tech bros have placed upon it the tribal armband stamp of approval, or perhaps because you can’t dance ironically to a synthesizer, hipsters eschew the many, many iterations of EDM and the culture that surrounds it. Except for Diplo. For whatever reason, hipsters dig Diplo.

Horology: Thanks to Glenn in Spring Valley, I use this fancy sobriquet because it’s exactly the kind of word one might expect to find attached to a totes adorbs hipster boutique dealing in the sale and repair of clocks and wristwatches, if only hipsters gave a crap. At first glance, watch fans’ unparalleled obsession with authenticity and handicraft appears in sync with hipster values, but most hipsters would rather pay (arguably) too much for a vintage Japanese bicycle than pay (arguably) too much for a Rolex.

CDs: Facially similar to, but ultimately distinct from, the hipster disdain for DJs; hipsters have no fondness for CD collections that may or may not have been augmented through inadvertent Columbia House purchases in the 1990s.

Video Games: According to Andrea, although the “nerds” who grew up to be their generation’s hipsters once held absolute title to the kingdom of tabletop (and then computer) gaming — see every D&D reference in older books and cinema — the exact opposite holds true these days.

Living in Obscure Places Nobody Has Ever Heard of: Dave from National City believes that moving to, say, Dennistown, ME, is pushing the obscurity envelope a bit too far.

Stephen Colbert: Hipsters liked the early stuff. If this were on the pre-2005 SAT, Colbert:The Daily Show::Weezer:Pinkerton.

Gambling: “Mixologist” may well be an acceptable occupation in the hipster community, but among the alternative career options available to modern hipsters, “professional gambler” is nowhere to be found.

WWII: Hipsters may like old stuff, but middle-aged, nominally Republican males refuse to release their stranglehold on armchair quarterbacking the Battle of the Bulge.

The 1970s: ’60s? Awesome. ’80s? Awesome. ’90s? OMG, awesomest because many hipsters were kids then! 1970s? Meh, but nobody knows why.

Golf: Despite the opportunity to dress like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, possibly because hipsters don’t need an excuse to wear plastic checkered blazers with lapels that you could park an RV on, hipsters generally don’t go in for golfing. The closest most hipsters come to a round of golf is the occasional pitcher of Bloody Marys at Tobey’s 19th Hole.

Imagine Dragons: Courtesy of Alice, this one actually comes as no surprise.