Joe Exotic has the answer...and a kick-ass Instagram game

Dear Hipster:

Election is almost upon us! Who will you (and the rest of the hipsters) vote for?

— Dawn

I actually thought I was going to get away with not fielding this particular inquiry.

Silly me.

To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have been able to answer this before yesterday. But my hipster prayers have been answered, for yesterday I heard about Joe Exotic.

Maybe it’s his incomprehensible and useless website, with the buttons that go nowhere; or maybe it’s the sprawling YouTube rants, where Joe Exotic (né “Joseph Maldonado”) follows his own nonlinear thoughts into the dark and musty corners of the Floridian mind lurking beneath that gloriously bleached mullet.

Maybe it’s just his kick-ass Instagram game.

Either way, Joe Exotic is my man. You know how long I’ve been wanting one of those hybrid cats that swims and plays fetch? I would name him Zach Morris, and I would get him a fake service-animal vest so he could fly on planes with me. I would ask the flight attendants if they had any live mice or, barring that, if they wouldn’t mind if the little guy foraged in the hold. But what good would that do me if I can’t take Zach Morris to Australia, Massachusetts, or Texas? Well, Joe Exotic has the answer. He is going to build... well, not a wall, per se, but a vaguely wall-like metaphorical structure of pure exotic animal diplomacy, and he’s going to make the Australians pay for that wall-like structure, and then I can take my dangerous wild animal exciting hybrid pet wherever I damn well please.

Because America, meow.