A sneak peek at Monster Trucks

My buddy, John Albert, posted a link to the trailer for the inescapable Monster Trucks with the following comment on my Facebook wall: “Remember this, the next time anybody says that Hollywood ought to stop rehashing old movie properties and just come up with some new ideas…”

Why bother with originality, John? Isn’t it time you supported Hollywood’s Green Movement? Think of all the multiplex garbage out there in need of reusing and recycling that would ultimately reduce an audience’s capacity to store waste. It’s cheaper and more effective than a lobotomy.

Recycling: A Recipe for Excess

1 Jeep Ad (product placement hits the screen before the Paramount logo)

1 X-Kid who could pass for a taller, younger Matt Damon (Lucas Till)

1 Accredited Scream Princess (Evil Dead)/Comic Relief (Fun Size) to star as girlfriend (Jane Levy)

4 Generic Thugs to add conflict

1 “From the Creators Of” tagline, in this case the inclined to deliquesce Ice Age

1 Lovable Amorphous CG Alien (a pinch of a two-eyed B.O.B. from Monsters vs. Aliens finds Nemo’s Bruce — or is it Jabberjaw?)

1 Transforming Pixar-ish Pickup to hold the Bay at audiences

1 Director and Voice of “Skrat” (Christian Wedge) calling the shots

1 Slice of National Velveeta (GF is an equestrian)

1 Selfie (kids love selfies)

1 Belch (who doesn’t enjoy a well-played spasmodic eruption?)

1 Dime (in case the monster needs to phone home)

2 Recognizable Faces (condolences to Danny Glover and Thomas Lennon)

Ideal running time: 78 minutes (Monster Trucks clocks in at 122 minutes)

Mix them all together and voilà — instant aneurism! The good news is they’re burying it, but I promise to be there next January for the Friday the 13th premiere.