No to weather systems, yes to Beefheart

Hipster:

When it comes to the highly anticipated unveiling of the 2016 Hipster Hall of Fame class, the name we are all waiting to hear is, in fact, “tropical storm El Niño.” Getting two weeks of attention every ten years is definitely not mainstream! Let’s analyze this for a moment. Two-word first names are gonna be huge next year, and referring to yourself as “the” anything puts you ahead of the curve. Second, let’s look at the irony of the word “El Niño.” Tropical storm and little boy have never been mentioned in the same breath before, it is neither little, nor a boy. Last, let’s look at the most important argument when El Niño comes through: It does relatively little damage, and generally takes an arid, dry wasteland, like parts of San Diego, and flourishes said neighborhoods into wonderlands of life and artisan cheese shops. We love/hate you, El Niño.

— El Niño fan club president

On the one hand, everything about this is all wrong, or, at least I think it is. I can’t really tell what you’re trying to prove. I mean, two-word first names? That cacophany peaked with Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas!

And, hey, fun fact! In 1998 (back when two-named celebrities were still super relevant), the LA Times ran a human interest story about a “little boy” from Guatemala who had been “swept into the gutters” when “tropical storm Mitch” destroyed his local shantytown. Except for the fact that poor little Wilmer Alvarado ended up with a “voracious glue sniffing habit,” which, okay, maybe counts as super-duper depressing, and probably the most horrible counterexample I could possibly have found, but at least it means that tropical storms and little boys are basically mentioned in the same breath all the time.

It’s funny what you can find in the Hipster Archive of Obscure Errata. Well, maybe not funny so much as cripplingly sad, but I think you get the picture.

On the other hand, this whole thing is so totally random that it’s kind of awesome. I’m pretty sure you don’t even know what El Niño is, other than the fact that everybody’s talking about it. Which doesn’t mean El Niño is going in the Hipster Hall of Fame. Nope. Negatory. Not even close. Srsly tho.

Dear Hipster Whom to Ask of:

I would officially like to cast my vote for Captain Beefheart. I can only imagine, were he alive today, that he would not get swept up in a conversation about the Chargers. He would accept this nomination with flying colors.

— Eric L. Sturhan (fellow North Parkster)

Okay. This dude, with his invented nonsense salutations and mixed metaphors, as well as the handful of other Beefheart fans, have swayed the vote in favor of Don Van Vliet. Capt. Beefheart is hereby inducted into the Hipster Hall of Fame for making wacky hipster music that nobody liked (but which everybody claimed to like because to admit otherwise would be tremendously unhip) before it was cool. May his memory serve as an inspiration for generations of hipsters to come.