San Diego snags coveted nod from prestigious periodical

Citing the city’s “temperate climate, numerous underpasses, beautiful public parks, and historically generous populace,” Hobo Magazine has awarded San Diego its annual “golden shopping cart,” ranking it the number-one city in the country in which to be homeless in 2016. “It’s true that Los Angeles, New York, and Seattle have larger homeless populations,” said Hobo Magazine editor Sam Indigent, “but it’s significant that this is the first year that San Diego has managed to make the top four.”

Of course, notes Indigent, it’s not just a numbers game. “Seattle and New York have climates that make outdoor living difficult at best and dangerous at worst, and Los Angeles is just a nasty place in general. And besides the weather — perhaps even more important than the weather — is the attitude. It seems like 2016 is the year that San Diego decided to really start paying attention to its homeless population. All of a sudden, you’ve got all kinds of public concern and private charity, combined with a warm blanket of media coverage for the hobo lifestyle. Yeah, you could say that it’s long overdue, but why grouse? The fact is, a change has come, and it’s a change for the better. And speaking of change — have you got any?”

However, not everyone is thrilled with Hobo Magazine’s decision to honor San Diego. “This is just gonna attract more homeless,” says East Village resident Bill Nimby. “It’s not quite as bad as when the Zonies descend upon us every summer, but it’s pretty close. And because they don’t leave, you wind up with sprawl. Our homeless infrastructure is already stressed; just look at our temporary housing situation in the wintertime. We don’t need this kind of unchecked growth.”

Hobo Richard Duodente agrees. “I was homeless way before everybody started paying attention, you know? Back before it was a scene. In those days, we had a key to the city dumpsters; every year, someone new got to be the Keeper of the Key. It was a community, you know? Now look: you’ve got homeless dudes killing other homeless dudes, turf wars over the best corners, and stupid teenagers living on the streets when they don’t even have to! I don’t know, man. I’m thinking of heading somewhere else. Maybe Nashville.”

Speaking of Nashville, that city’s director of homeless outreach, Earl Handy, is also none too pleased with San Diego’s newfound status. “Under my direction, the City of Nashville has instituted a program of building tiny houses for its homeless population. Yes, our place on the ‘Most Homeless’ list has dropped, but that’s only because we’ve actually given them homes. We’re the best friends the homeless have, but Hobo Magazine is so devoted to keeping a roof off of its head that they’ve decided to ignore us for a city that allows private security firms to drive the homeless from its hipster enclaves.”