Batman v. Superman, Hydrox v. Oreo

Dear Hipster:

If everybody — and I really mean everybody, because I do not know a single person who liked it — unequivocally hates Batman v. Superman, wouldn’t it be the most hipster thing ever to stand proudly on your handcrafted soap box and sing a Homeric ode to Zack Snyder’s cinematic genius?

— Jenn

Funny you should mention it, but I know of a store in Anaheim that deals in vintage, handmade soap boxes and other crates of that variety. They even offer free delivery to L.A., Orange, and San Diego county residents. About time, if you ask me! Don’t believe the hype. Slide on over to thecratepeople.com and see for yourself exactly how this really real thing really is real.

Anyway, since you asked...

Batboy v. Supercuts: a “review” of the greatest movie I have never seen. — by Hipster

Batface’s alter-ego, Bruce Jenner, traumatized by the death of his parents from natural causes (a leading killer among affluent business types), devotes years of his life and billions of his dollars so that he can publicly transition into famous Dairy Planet reporter, Penny Lane, ladypal of Souper Salad’s real life doppelganger, Clark Gable. Naturally, this distresses Mighty Mouse, who throws a hissy fit and cries on Cherry Valance’s shoulder. Meanwhile the kid from Zombieland tries to metaphorically kick everyone in the crotch because they made fun of him on Facebook. Eventually, Batfleck and Bicycle Repair Man (But, How?) slap each other for two hours, only becoming BFFs so they can team up against TGI Friday’s with the help of Xena, Warrior Princess. Afterward, they all high-five and there is some elegant product placement from Coca-Cola and Honda.

Spoiler Alert

This movie is based on a comic book by Frank Miller, author of The Sound and the Fury and A Farewell to Arms.

Director Zack Morris recruited Hans Christian Andersen and Skrillex to collaborate on the soundtrack, so the movie sounds kind of like the Blue Man Group covering Carmina Burana.

Bonus Trivia

Stan Lee played a gas-station attendant who sells cigarettes to little kids, but the scene was cut to make room for another one where Matt Damon takes his shirt off.

I give it 5 Converse All Stars! A must-see!

Mr. Hipster:

Through somewhat dubious means, I laid claim to a massive bag of damaged Oreo cookies the other day. I have no regrets. It set me to thinking about the history of chocolate sandwich cookies. Are Hydrox cookies technically a kind of confectionary hipster? After all, they were basically Oreos before Oreos were cool!

— Alan

Not only that, but Hydrox’s parent company made a concerted effort to manufacture the resurrected cookies (which were out of production from 1999 till 2008) according to the vintage 1908 recipe. They eschewed high-fructose corn syrup and opted to produce the cookies in California. This is basically the corporate equivalent of opening an Etsy shop that sells hand-crocheted beer coozies to fit popular sizes of growler.

Feel free to twirl your mustache and enjoy a certified hipster cookie, preferably with a glass of expensive, nonhomogenized milk and a whiff of appreciation for the storied culinary mores of the early 20th Century.