Usernames are a vestigial organ

Dear Hipster:

I want to get Instagram on my phone, but I am not so good at naming things, and I can’t bring myself to install the app till I have a good username in mind. I don’t want to be just @_qr4bingotime_, or whatever. How do I pick something cool and unique to myself?

— Sarah

At first, I was, like, “It’s a little ironic asking someone how to be unique,” but then I was, like, “She asked how to pick, not what to pick,” so now I’m, like, “Teach a man to fish etc etc and so forth, as my grandma used to say.”

But really, it’s like this: the screenname, username, handle, or whatever you want to call it is basically social media’s collective appendix at this point, a vestigial organ from a more primitive era when MySpace and AIM dominated the social sphere. In the good old days, having a memorable username all but guaranteed fame and fortune, or at the very least maybe the cute girl at the coffee shop would friend you back. Now, every decent username is taken, half of them have gone idle, and it gets harder and harder every day to figure out whether or not @ppqr15 actually is the cute girl from the café or just a bot trying to sell you stiff meds. I know that when I had to pick my username, I...hey...wait just a second. I see what you did there. Sneaky, sneaky. Trying to get me to reveal my supersecret hipster IG account for all the world to stalk. Tsk, tsk.

The good news is that the social companies trend ever closer to just letting you be yourself. For now, just remember this as your sole guideline in trying to pick a clever username, “Will my friends know it’s me?” If so, then you’re A-Ok. This of course excludes internet dating services, where you still need a catchy username, but that’s another story.