Put on your vintage Freedom Trousers

Dear Hipster:

With Independence Day just around the corner, I have to know why you hipsters hate America so much. You’re all so quick to blame the government when you can’t find a job, but I don’t see you fleeing en masse to Canada like you always threaten to do. Might be better if you did. Where’s your sense of patriotism, hipsters?

— Allen, La Mesa

Threatening to move to Canada is so 2006. Nowadays, hipsters threaten to move to Austin, and that only because threatening to move to Portland became too mainstream.

Last I checked, hipsters love the Fourth of July. Not only do most of us get the day off from work, but the Fourth provides a prime opportunity to day-drink organic jungle juice and pony keg IPA from Mason jars while a selection of artisan bratwurst sizzles on the backyard Weber. Personally, I like to don my Freedom Trousers (vintage denim bell bottoms with large swaths of imitation Old Glory stitched over the pockets) and eat grass-fed hamburgers like any sensible American. I’m even having my vintage Schwinn (I’ll have you know that’s a ’Murican bicycle) re-cabled with a red, white, and blue theme just in time for July 4th, 2015.