Keep moving, IRS (nothing to see here)

Dear Hipster:

April 15th is right around the corner. I wonder, do hipsters pay their taxes like good citizens?

— Call Me “Your Cousin in Government, Irving Radcliff Stevens”

The funny thing is, I actually have a cousin named Irving Radcliff, but he isn’t a Stevens. Cousin Irving made and lost a small fortune during the 1990s espresso boom. He swears he only went out of business due to corporate sabotage by a certain up-and-coming coffee retailer, but he probably shouldn’t have invested so heavily in that artisanal pickle company. It just wasn’t the time.

Of course hipsters pay their taxes. Especially yours truly, whose taxes are so spotless that the Internal Revenue Service could eat its proverbial lunch off my Form 1040, sweep the crumbs from its starched white shirt with my Schedule C, and should never, under any circumstances, even consider DJ Stevens’s filing practices worthy of its attention, because that would be a hugely irresponsible waste of time (nothing to see here), not to mention an ironic waste of taxpayer dollars.