No place in the sun

Dear Hipster:

What’s the best beach in San Diego?

— Sara

O.B. has too many hippies. P.B. has too many bros. Shores has too many tourists. I.B. is in I.B. Mission has too many tourists. Oceanside is too military. Solana Beach is too quiet. Swami’s and Cardiff have too many surfers. Torrey Pines has too many tourists. Black’s has too many naked hippies. Some of the remaining La Jolla isn’t even beach...and it still has too many tourists.

Come to think of it, beachgoing isn’t a big hipster pastime. Somebody has to hold it down in the urban interior while the rest of the world flocks to the sea. We’re not the kind of subculture that desires a deep, all-over tan. There’s a chance that sun exposure compromises the integrity of our tattoo sleeves, for which the average hipster pays a month’s salary without a second thought. The majority of the ideal hipster activities place the participants inside. Indie rock shows and ugly-sweater parties have no place in the sun, and one simply does not wear skinny jeans and Chuck Taylors to the beach.