Consider beard-transplant surgery

Dear Hipster:

I really want to cement my ironic nonconformity with a magnificent beard, but I can’t grow any facial hair for the life of me. What can I do?

— Jesse

As I’ve said before, proper hipster appearances don’t require a full beard 100 percent of the time. Clean-shaven hipsters abound. If you’re set on facial hair but incapable of luxuriant beardedness, a cheeky mustache will catch the eye of even the most aloof hipsteress, especially when paired with a vicious side part in the manner of a young John Steinbeck.

But, if a magnificent beard is the only thing that will fill the void in your heart (not to mention the one on your face), and your DNA refuses to comply, there’s always beard-transplant surgery. I assure you, it’s real... and really expensive.