All you want for Christmas

Wages are stagnant, album sales miserable, and download revenues a joke. In this harsh, wintry economic climate, musicians are more dependent than ever on Santa Claus to deliver the goods. Circa 2014, it seems as if the only path to that new keyboard or guitar is the fat old guy that breaks into your house, steals all your cookies, and leaves electronics in his wake.

Itai Faierman, who handles vocals, guitar, and keys in Speaker in Reverse, is hoping for a signed vintage guitar that Johnny Marr used to record “Meat Is Murder” with. It is Faierman’s hope that it is also the one he recorded “How Soon Is Now” with as well. Good luck with that one.

Jeff Brenneman, rhythm guitarist for Catapil-Flux, is hoping that Santa leaves “a Fender Jazzmaster and a Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred-shot range-model air rifle” under the tree for him. He is also hoping for a vinyl release of their newly mixed album, but Santa will have to see how backed-up the elves at the vinyl pressing plant are this time of year. They are up to the pointiest tips of their ears trying to keep up with the demand for that new Pink Floyd album.

Matthew Steven Bearrones from KIDS wants “Santa to tell UCSD to keep the Ché Café open, and then give the UCSD administrators coal.” He is also hoping for QUALI’s new album and a neverending mug of coffee. Keeping with the beverage theme, local rapper Brendan B, a self-proclaimed “simple man who likes simple things,” simply wants a Green Flash 30th St. Pale Ale. And since we’re talking craft beer, Ben Johnson from the Long And Short of It is hoping for “double chocolate mango chutney IPA shampoo to make my beard more sessionable.”

Al Howard of Midnight Pine and Rebecca Jade and the Cold Fact wants “a new cell phone because my screen is as shattered as the mirror in a cliché movie scene where the protagonist meets his breaking point. I misread the majority of my texts and wind up responding with inappropriate laughter.”

Ian Trumbull of Ypsitucky has three requests for St. Nick: a SoCal Replacements show; a Redd Foxx Chia Pet; an endless supply of Monkey Paw cheesesteaks.

Lastly, acoustic troubadour John Meeks has this to say: “All I want for Christmas is for my cats to learn how to use the toilet. Not only use the toilet but turn on the fan and light a little kitty match...and I’d like to never have to watch something called “Charlie XCX” perform on SNL ever again. Other than that, I think I have everything I could possibly need. Merry Christmas, suckas!”