In response to Amnesty International report on civilian casualties, General Atomics releases Rainmaker reparations drone

"Here's what's not going to happen," says General Atomics Head of Drone Relations Col Adderal. "We're not going to stop dropping bombs on the bad guys. Not even if the bad guys start standing really close to their grandmothers. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be terrorists, you know? Then you won't have this problem of getting caught in the bomb radius."

Adderal is referring to the recent report released by Amnesty International, a report that details multiple instances where so-called "innocent civilians" were rendered inert by drone strikes, many of them conducted by General Atomics' Predator Drone. But even as he asserts his company's intention to "keep on dronin'," he does grant that the AI report has some merit. "Look, even if that one grandmother they write about was in her garden harvesting vegetables destined to fill the guts of suicide bombers just before those guts wound up plastered all over some crowded bus station, she probably didn't deserve to get smoked the way she did. And it's a shame."

Adderal paused to look at a framed photo of his own grandmother on his desk before continuing. "And the fact is, that family just lost a laborer. That's a real material hardship right there, and if there's one thing we hate here at General Atomics, it's material hardship. Amnesty International noted, rightly, that we haven't paid a red cent to those families who lost — well, let's call them 'less-guilty' members. 'Innocent' seems a little strong. Children and whatnot. Well, now we've fixed that."

According to Adderal, the company is just six months away from releasing its Rainmaker drone, a kind of mobile ATM that will dispense cash to the families of untargeted drone victims. "All the user has to do is smear a little DNA from the deceased on the Rainmaker's I.D. screen, and we'll be able to check that person against our database of potential terrorists. If the person comes up clean, the Rainmaker starts dropping bills. That little guy can carry up to $500,000 in U.S. dollars. And before you ask — no, we're not worried about theft. Rainy is gonna have his own special Predator buddy up in the sky, keeping an eye on things. If anybody so much as kicks his bumper, he's gonna wind up a smoking pile of ash."