Navy SEAL candidates following example of America’s first Super Soldier

“It’s sad, but not surprising,” said SEALs Director of Cleanup Ray Warcost of frequent performance-enhancing drug use on the part of Navy SEAL candidates, discovered in the wake of successful candidate Kyle Mullen’s death just hours after completing his Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL course. “Our Iron Man initiative is still going about as well as those test videos shown during the Congressional hearing in Iron Man 2, and Operation Hulk Mad continues to just reduce test subjects — mostly monkeys, I should note — to piles of radioactive ash. So far, the Super Soldier Serum is clearly the most feasible of the Avengers-based efforts that are so central to many young Americans’ interest in our Military Creation of Ubermenschen program, or MCU.

And until we get something that can be reliably administered, I fear you’re going to continue seeing these unfortunate cases of ambitious young men taking matters into their own hands on the way to becoming superheroes, er, Navy SEALs. I mean, we’ll investigate, but a big part of war is seizing every possible advantage. How can we discourage something just because it’s dangerous? It’s war!”