Faulconer brings visual aids to White House meeting with President Trump

“What’s a good Republican to do?” lamented Mayor Kevin Faulconer as he surveyed his “3D Powerpoint” presentation for the President on June 18. “Starting from my right: the portable Blue Boy tank is full of sewage-tainted water that sneaks into American waters from Mexico despite all your efforts to secure the border. And it’s not just threatening the surf rats in Imperial Beach any more; it’s gotten to the point where even the rich, I mean good people of Coronado are having to worry. Who’s going to believe in your ability to stop immigrants from shithole countries when you can’t even stop their shit? And while I know you don’t drink, Mr. President, it’s surely worrying that this bottle of El Gringo Malo tequila will go from $200 to $400 a bottle at Gaslamp nightclubs should you carry out your threat to impose trade tariffs as a response to the immigration mess. Those booze-addled youngsters are the future of America, sir, and someday, they might even vote. You want to try to explain foreign policy to some Biotech Bro who just wants to do shots and get his swerve on? I sure don’t. Speaking of the immigration mess, over here on my left are a couple of Guatemalan migrants who have been attracting a lot of press attention with their hunger strike as they await processing. Well, it’s more that they’re just not getting fed while we detain them, but the net result is the same. I’m the face of the Republican Party down in the southwest corner of our nation, and from my understanding, it’s a face that’s looking less electable to state- or nation-wide office all the time. Finally, I’d like to call your attention to Nate the Napper, currently snoozing there on the Resolute Desk. Nate is just one of the many people who, despite being homeless, call San Diego home. People like Nate are a walking photo op for your opponents, whether they want to highlight the plight of abandoned vets, the victims of the opioid crisis, the death of the middle class, the shredding of the safety net, the evils of market capitalism, or just your failure to Make America Great Again. Thank you for your time and attention; I’ll see myself out.”