Ripe for holiday mockery

Dear Hipster:

Every damn year, Halloween comes around and I realize I’ve got a party on Saturday...and it’s Thursday...and I don’t have a costume, or even an idea. I swear, this year I’m going to make up something totally hilarious and unique; but can you do me a solid and suggest a few fall-back options in case I totally flake out again this year? Thanks.

— Ted

Dear Hipster:

What does this year’s ironic hipster halloween look like?

— Dexter

Hipster:

What will be the number one hot Halloween costume this year?

— Dana

As we know, hipsters love nothing so much as the chance to ironically mock the most significant cultural events of the past ten months by staging elaborate “tributes” in the form of self-aware Halloween costumes. Maybe you think this is just mean, but it actually serves the very important social purpose of highlighting the absurdities of modern life while simultaneously preserving the memories of our cultural ups and downs.

I’m not sure what will be the hottest getup around this Octubre, so I don’t feel comfortable predicting the future (and, here’s an overly practical tip, you should regard with deep skepticism anyone, particularly stock brokers and financial planners, who claim such clairvoyance). Nevertheless, some aspects, happenings, events, memes, and occurrences from 2018 perfectly ripe for holiday mockery this year include:

Gorilla Suit

Because Koko, obvi. RIP, you sweet, signing ape who stole our collective hearts for thirty-odd years.

Disintegrating Avengers Infinity War Superheroes

What? Wait. No. Too soon, man. Too soon. Slow your roll, hipster. I think we’re all still collectively scarred from this, and some of us even knew it was coming. Way better to go with the titular Nun from The Nun, especially if you’re the kind of burly, slightly fat bearded hipster who would look hilarious in a habit and wimple. Speaking of guys in Halloween dresses...

Cross Dressing Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

If you’re the kind of hipster couple where she would look nothing short of smashing in one of those comically elaborate uniforms that form a small part of the complicated traditions of the English military, and he can pull off a quarter-million dollar bed sheet, well, have I got the cheeky, intercontinental Halloween get-up for you!

Something, Anything, Really, to Do With Tide Pods

I dunno, maybe you dress up as just a giant tide pod, or get an empty box of tide pods and stain your face with blue and orange food dye as though you’ve been gobbling up those delicious little soapy nuggets like they were getting pulled off the shelves tomorrow. The whole “tide pods” thing is juuuuuuust old enough that people will be, like, “oh, yeah, dude, tide pods!” but not so old that people will be, like, “dude, seriously? Tide pods?”

BDE

Knock yourselves out. Wow me. Please send photos if you pull this one off in some sort of PG-13 fashion.

Of course, this is just a smattering of hilarious Halloween send-ups, and I have faith in all you clever hipsters our there to dream bigger than even I do. Unlock the wellspring of creative energy inside yourselves and, instead of doing something valuable with it, disguise yourself for a grown-up party based on a holiday for kids!