TOP GUN

In 2015, a pilot in a private plane used a GPS path-tracking device to draw a 12.4 mile penis (1) over the sky in Florida. (Length does not include testicles.) At the time, people dismissed the stunt as Florida being Florida — not for nothing is it known as “The Dangle State.” But the Sky Penis seems to have touched something deep inside the American psyche, penetrating even past the discipline and decorum for which our armed forces are so justly famous. Maybe it’s male anxiety in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s near-election to the Presidency, the pussy-hatted Women’s March, or the #MeToo movement and its power to stick it to men of power and prestige. Maybe it’s military frustration over the United States’ failure to conquer in Afghanistan and Iraq, or the generally shrinking role of skilled pilots in an era of drone strikes. Or maybe it’s just that internet meme culture has helped to extend adolescence to the point where our best and brightest think it’s totally hilarious to draw dicks on stuff, with the sky providing the world’s biggest canvas.

Whatever the cause, that civilian schlong seems to have touched off a competition, one that began last year, when a Navy EA-18G Growler drew a “giant sky penis” (2) high above Washington State. Then, earlier this year, a half-assed penis (3) appeared over the American Air Force base in Ramstein, Germany. Now, it seems that two pilots from the Marine Fighter Attack Training Squadron, 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing out of Miramar have whipped out an 11.5 mile penile pattern over the Salton Sea (4). “I’ve gotta hand it to those boys,” said Commander-in-Chief Donald Trump during a recent press conference, shaking his head in disapproving fashion while struggling to hide his smile, “they really stepped up and put those Navy flyboys to shame this time. Not only does the Marine member have a clearly differentiated glans, the flight path also indicates ejaculation. And the fact that the image was drawn over the Salton Sea, which is a hair’s breadth from ‘salty semen,’ shows not just skill in flying, but linguistic ingenuity.”