Animals do amazing things; people take selfies

Dear Hipster: Why can only animals do amazing things, like catch salmon out of the water with their bear hands, fly, run 40 miles per hour on short little legs, smell the ghost of a sandwich from three weeks ago, echolocate, navigate the globe without the benefit of science, see in the dark, give birth in a matter of minutes to babies that can more or less fend for themselves in a matter of hours? What can humans do? Math? War? Waste their lives snapping selfies and crying about how long it will take for the next season of Game of Thrones? Even my roommate’s wiener dog is a more impressive physical specimen any human that has ever lived. He is only, like, six inches tall, but he can jump all the way onto a bed that’s two-and-a-half feet off the ground. That would be like a human leaping straight onto the roof of a Wendy’s. Why can’t humans do that? — Cassie

Bear hands. Bear. Hands. Classic.