Proven hipster business models

Dear Hipster:

I have been wondering, what’s the best way for me to get rich quick without having to do too much work? I know, that sounds a little sarcastic, but I’m serious. Surely there must be some clever, hipster means of succeeding with minimal expenditures.

— B.

Any fraud will tell you he can predict the next big thing; to time the market, so to speak. Being nothing if not legit, I will not tell you such fictions, and I would say your best bet for financial get-rich-quickism would be to swing wildly for the fences on whatever moves you make. Serendipity may just make you a gajillionaire.

That said, there are a few proven hipster “business” models that you might peruse.

(1) Get a cat. Make the cat a Snapchat account. Post many pictures of the cat doing hilarious cat things, like sitting in boxes or drinking water out of the tap. Spam with hashtags. Amass followers. Let the Purina and Petco advertising dollars roll in. If this makes you feel like an unabashed corporate sellout, ironically embrace the reality that, today, unless you are actively selling, you are being bought.

(2) Open a brewery. Despite the fact that it’s probably a bubble ripe for bursting, the beer industry for now seems like a bottomless well from which an enterprising hipster might summon short-term profits exclusive of probably market saturation and steadily climbing prices that could never, for any reason, go down, right?

(3) California is just begging for a farm-to-table marijuana pizzeria. House-cured guanciale, free-range duck egg, and sour diesel sounds just about right. As a bonus, some terminally uncool buzz-killers suggest that stoners are more or less riding the hype train to the end of the line here, so you can stay hiply above it all while charging $39 for a pizza that gets people high A.F.