In stunning reversal, mayor withdraws his support for Chargers’ convadium

Faulconer goes nuts?

Author

By Walter Mencken

Publish Date

Oct. 7, 2016

Faulconer announces his stunning reversal on Measure C. "If Spanos is the quarterback behind this whole thing, then think of me as having just sacked him,” he declared. His newly recovered testes hang from a specially built necktie. “After some discussion,” he explained, “it was determined that it would be best, for reasons of both decorum and public interest, that I not be allowed to actually reattach my junk to my body. For one thing, the memory of Mayor Filner is all too fresh in the public’s mind, and there’s no sense in risking that kind of scandal again. For another, there are still a hundred other issues that it would be better for me to steer clear of, and a working set of gonads might inspire me to fight battles I could just as easily avoid. I’ve got future political offices to think about, and taking too strong a stand as mayor might come back to haunt me. Finally, my team and I agree that it’s good right now for you all to be able to see the reason behind my change of stance, as it were."

PRESS CONFERENCE OUTSIDE DEEZ NUTS NATURAL SNACK EMPORIUM, EAST VILLAGE — Just days after coming out in support of Measure C, the upcoming ballot initiative that would authorize the use of public funds — in the form of an increased hotel tax — to assist in the building of a combination stadium and convention center for the San Diego Chargers football team, Mayor Faulconer has done the unthinkable and reversed his decision.

“It’s the darnedest thing,” he explained at today’s press conference. “I was all set to get taken out to lunch by some fellows who wanted to build a bunch of townhomes up in Torrey Pines, using actual Torrey pines as construction materials. When suddenly, Mrs. Faulconer, bless her heart, tells me to wait a second. She goes to a closet in the hallway, and takes out a big Styrofoam cooler. She lifts the lid, and takes out … well, I think it’s pretty obvious. ‘Here,’ she says, ‘I know we agreed that it would be best for your career if we put these away, but I want you to wear them today. For me. For you. And for San Diego.’ So I put 'em on, and about ten minutes later, I realized I had to pull out on the stadium deal before I made a mess of everything.

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“The Chargers think they’ve got us over a barrel on this stadium deal,” Faulconer continued. “That we’re terrified by the prospect of their moving to Los Angeles if we say no. But you know what? They already tried to move to Los Angeles, and Roger Goodell smacked them on the nose like a naughty puppy and told them to stay. Then he offered them a $300 million dollar biscuit as a reward for being a good little doggy. The Rams are newly but firmly ensconced in Los Angeles, so there’s no real demand for the team to head north. And thanks to their obvious disloyalty and crap performance, attendance is dismal this year — near the bottom of the league. Simply put, the man has no leverage: no league support, no popular support. Sure, he got 100,000 signatures to get the measure on the ballot. But there are 1.3 million people in San Diego. So I’ve decided to turn the tables. Mr. Spanos, I will not be supporting your plan to get your hands in my pockets. Instead, I’m going to request — no, demand — that if you want to stay here in my town, you’re going to build that stadium yourself. Otherwise, you can skedaddle. Faulconer out.”

Welcome to Spanos’s nightmare: his beloved Chargers, a team without a home, wandering in the wilderness, waiting upon their owner to deliver them into a land flowing with governmental largesse, where they might build a publicly funded temple fitting of the Dean, a house where all the princes of the earth might gather and pay homage. But as they wander, they begin to grumble, saying, “Why did you ever take us out of the land of Qualcomm, where we at least had a fanbase and a place to set up cameras? Why have you brought us into this wilderness to lose attention and allegiance? We have become a byword among the National Football League, and laughingstock to the franchises. Why should the Patriots say, ‘Here is a team that could not even fleece its city? Let us drop them from our schedules, that they may never again benefit from our television contracts’? How long, O Dean, how long?"
Chargers’ President and CEO Dean Spanos reacts to the news of Faulconer’s testicular turnaround. “I am saddened and hurt to the quick of my soul,” said Spanos. “I sent the mayor a very nice, legally unenforceable letter, promising that I would abide by the economic safeguards he required in order to garner his approval. Well, not promising. That would be reckless. But I did say I agreed to them. Well, 'in spirit and principle,' anyway. Like in the Bible, where what’s important is the spirit of the law, more than the actual letter. Again, there’s no sense in being reckless when it comes to money. The point is, the mayor is the bad guy here. He said he’d give me support for my plan to use public funds to bolster my private enterprise, and now he’s saying that’s a bad idea. Frankly, his constant complaining about safeguarding the city’s interests smacks of socialism. Or at least it makes him sound like a Democrat. This is really hitting me below the belt. I’m starting to think he’s not himself."