The hippest things on Earth

Dear Hipster:
Where in the human body is hipsterness most strongly concentrated?
— Jeff, Lemon Grove

This may come as something of a shock, but contemporary hipster scientists have isolated the human tonsil as the probable source of hipsterol, a little-known hormone. Despite limited funding, researchers at the Johannes Fingerstache Institution of Nonmainstream Sciences have linked natural hipsterol to an increase in ironic detachment from conventional social mores. Till the 1970s, surgical removal of inflamed tonsils was a mainstay in pediatric practice. Since then, tonsillectomy has waned in popularity to such a degree that those born toward the end of the 20th Century constitute the most entonsilled group in history! Victims of unnecessary tonsillectomies in the ’60s and ’70s grew up to be savage Gen X-ers, who (generally speaking) take things way too literally for their own good. Children born during the ’80s and ’90s kept their tonsils, and as a consequence of soaring hipsterol levels in American twentysomethings during the early 2000s, the hipster age was born. Then again, you can correlate anything if you try hard enough.

Dear Hipster:
What is the hippest creature in the animal kingdom?
— Dave M.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s neither the rhyminocerous nor the hip-hop-apotamus. Cats may be the internet’s darling, but they’re far too mainstream. Parrots have an annoying ability to overhear something incredibly specific and repeat it ad infinitum and out of context till it’s totally stripped of meaning, but I don’t see how that could possibly apply to hipsters. Honeybadgers are so 2011 it’s not even funny anymore.

Pink fairy armadillos look like somebody designed an animal with only “Wouldn’t it be funny if…” as a guiding principle, which is as hipster as it gets. The animal itself appears to have little regard for its own ironic configuration, which violates the basic hipster principle of being able to say, “I know, right?” whenever somebody points out how something you’re doing is stupid.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that animals can’t really be hipsters. They’re too...earnest. When they’re not busy fighting for their lives, they sleep to conserve energy. Sometimes they breed, which they appear to do without passion. Animals don’t disparage domestic beer, and, as far as I know, they don’t care about Mumford and Sons or Wes Anderson movies.

Putting it that way, animals are basically indistinguishable from middle- and working-class Americans as portrayed on mainstream television shows. It just goes to show you probably shouldn’t be watching so much TV.

DJ:
Is it more hipster to ironically embrace the terrible Fall Out Boy Ghostbusters theme song or to insist that The real Ghostbusters is actually the franchise’s strongest offering?
— Samantha (Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost)

I’d love to ponder this vexing question over a frosty cool can of Hi-C Ecto Cooler, but the re-issued slime-green sugarwater of my hipster childhood has actually sold out on Amazon. It’s a good thing we don’t actually buy things in stores anymore. I’d hate to read that “Mom of Three Trampled to Death during Ecto Cooler Rampage at Local Walmart” headline.

Both your options ought to irritate the crap out of just about anybody...at least, anybody who takes this kind of thing way too seriously.