Celebrity Endorsements Vol. 1

Promotions from the vault

Author

By Scott Marks

Publish Date

April 1, 2016

Chuck Norris’s Action Jeans with the patented No-Bind® Crotch

Be it at the studio’s behest or a simple desire to keep their famous faces in the public eye (while being handsomely compensated in the process), celebrities have long been known to lend their likenesses to various products, whether they believe in them or not.

Would you believe Don Adams, TV’s Maxwell Smart, for Monsanto? Or how about a tanned “Tippi,” sock puppets pigging out on ice cream, O.J. skates, and two ads featuring male model Richard Roundtree before he gave Hollywood the Shaft.

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These are but a pittance of the promotional endorsements locked away in my data vault. The first ad features Patty Duke, my #3 and #4 prepubescent crushes. (Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap was #1 and #2.) Her death this week at the age of 69 saddened me to no end. Expect an obit. For now, enjoy these far-reaching seals of approval.

Let’s begin with a 1964 ad featuring former Breck Girl and this year’s most recent celebrity casualty, Patty Duke. (At the rate things are going, next year’s Oscar’s “In Memoriam” segment will be a miniseries.) The young actress parlayed her Oscar-winning performance in “The Miracle Worker” into the wildly successful "The Patty Duke Show.” She was the first teenager to have a television series created specifically for her. I’m betting the Patty Duke Earring Wardrobe is currently fetching a big price on eBay.
Soon after Alfred Hitchcock transformed her into an international star and not long before badmouthing the Master became ‘Tippi’ Hedren’s life’s ambition, the icy, unattainable tan-able paid the rent by modeling sun tan oil in this 1967 ad for Coppertone.
How about a set of 1955 Groucho’s own “That’s Me!” (H-for-Hilarity-Bomb) Cocktail Napkins? Groucho wasn’t much of a drinker, but to hear him talk, his three wives probably went through a couple of boxes a night.
Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine in his Crown Juillard vines sold exclusively at Robert Hall? Richard Roundtree? You're damn right!
Would you believe GMO's? Get dumb with this 1970 ad featuring Don Adams for Monsanto.
Bob "Thought Control" Hope for Popsickle & Hammer Frozen Treats.
Earth girls are “freezy.” The statuesque Ms. Geena Davis in a 1983 ad for A&M Cassettes.
San Diego's own, Mitzi Gaynor, uses Hollywood's favourite shampoo, Lustre-Creme with Lanolin. Shouldn't you? 1956.
Hold back the grease with Aqua-Net, funnyman Jerry Lewis's favorite aerosol hair bond. 1963.
Harder to swallow than two Darrens. Elizabeth Montgomery, star of TV's "Bewitched," for Quaker's Diet Frosted Cereal.
You never know when the need will arise to kick someone's ass. Chuck's slick slacks – with the patented rip-proof action-crotch – are designed to give your leg the same kind of deltoid force as your arm. Chuck's cowboy pal, Marshall Art, says, "Find the hidden gusset and win a prize!"
Sal Mineo for Evening in a Paris Alley. "Motion Picture," October 1961.
LaserDiscs and Liza: obsolete pioneers. 1982.
What kind of a diseased mind would send away for an item designed solely to peer through walls in hopes of spying women in various states of undress? And on top of that, it took twelve weeks for the damn thing to arrive!
Not even Jagger could help O.J. skate.
They say this Duke Hair Sheen is for bad mothers. Richard Roundtree for Supreme Beauty Products. "Ebony," January 1968.
Ollie and Kukla stand the Sealtest of time.
"Hey, bartender! Gimme four bloody Mary's!" Ronald Reagan for V8 Vegetable Juice, 1952.
Bogie & Bacall for Robt. Burns' Cigarillos. Here's looking at you, cancer!
Listen as the wind passes from Lonnie's right ear, through both their heads, and out Arnold's left.