Droids not drones

WHERE THE MAGIC KINGDOM MEETS THE EVIL EMPIRE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HERE AND BURBANK — "The problem with drones has always been largely one of perception," says General Dynamics Head of Brainwashing Dan Vader. "People love the Roomba, which is essentially just a vacuuming drone. And the self-driving car is still a cherished American dream: so much more time to text! But send a remotely operated plane out to defend American freedom around the globe, and suddenly everyone starts screaming about deathbots and the rise of the machines.

"We realized that we needed to tap into the public's unspoken — perhaps even unrealized — love of robots, androids, what have you. And then it hit us: C-3P0 and R2-D2, the iconic droids from the Star Wars films. Everybody loves them. And the good people at Disney were only too happy to strike up a mutually beneficial relationship with the Department of Defense. They really understood what we were about in terms of global influence for good. Of course, Threepio and Artoo turned out to be pretty useless when it came to combat and reconnaissance applications. But we watched the films a couple of times, and found several droid models that should prove more than satisfactory. When the Viper Probe Droid (pictured) shows up in some Syrian neighborhood, we expect it to provoke nothing but good feelings and fond memories."