Pour-over coffee, unfiltered pretense

Dear Hipster:

Two questions. First, how did the hipster burn his mouth? Second, if I used a Melitta before it was called “pour over” does that make me hip even though I am an old man?

— Java Man

Because he drank coffee before it was cool!

Many know the unglamorous truth that the pour-over coffee method dates back a hundred-odd years, invented by a German housewife because it was considered expedient over the labor-intensive coffee production methods of the day. In the last century, we have learned much. Did you know that it’s impossible to make a good cup of coffee without first rinsing the filter of impurities? Also, the hot water must be poured over the ground coffee with an exaggerated swirling motion, because the volatile, female caffeol compounds respond positively to the winsome and pretentious mating dance of the properly coiffed and mustachioed male barista, preferably wearing some sort of denim apron. Did you know that dark roasts represent coffee barbarism? Or that good coffee can only be made from single-origin beans?

Yes. We have greatly advanced our concept of coffee since Melitta Bentz invented the paper filter, and just in time, too. Imagine if people only used coffee to wake up in the morning? What kind of uncool world would that be?