Banish the beards and bangs

Dear Hipster:

If hipsters are such big trendsetters, tell me this: what’s the next big thing?

— Jenny

Blaze-orange hunting fashion is going to be huge. We’ll be seeing more boardshorts in North Park. There will definitely be fewer beards. As I’ve said before, beardedness is central to hipster fashion, but a recent study by the Royal Society finds that the prevalence of bearded men makes the appearance of cleanshaven guys more striking. I take that to mean it’s only a matter of time before hipster girls start seeing lumberjack lookalikes as passé, and natural selection favors the razored. There’s a term for this, and that term is “negative frequency-dependent sexual selection.” It’s a toss-up whether skinny jeans will follow suit.

Lady hipsters will soon, too, tire of the “bangs and minidresses” look. Hippie style will emerge in the form of toe socks and sandals, with perhaps headbands and flowers entering the mix. Don’t expect hipster girls to start listening to old Phish bootlegs, however. This is next year, not the freaking apocalypse.