Becalmed, Sports Fan

NBA is gone. NHL is history. NFL training camps haven’t opened. London Olympics are over the horizon. Yes, we got the bike race in France and soccer here and there. For that matter, Major League Lacrosse is still playing. All you bike, soccer, and lacrosse people can gather behind the arboretum and party on. But, for the rest of us, none of those sports matter. And, let’s face it, we can’t ask baseball to feed a great nation’s sports jones by itself.

We’ll have to forage for our sports. Buck up — our great-great-great grandfathers did it, so shall we. Let’s hie ourselves over to Magazine World and commence the hunt.

Sigh. You know its bad when the National Enquirer avoids sports for “Liz Taylor’s Spirit Assures LILO: Your Comeback’s Dead Certain!”

No better at radaronline. No sports at all, although their crime feature is a grabber: “Gloria Allred Representing Man Whose Wife Attempted to Cut Off His Genitals with Scissors.”

It takes doing the hard, lonely work of digging, researching, interviewing, as the always reliable Weekly World News does, to get our sports needs satisfied. “Tiger Woods Cursed. Tiger Woods lost (again) at the U.S. Open. This time he blamed his loss on a voodoo curse his ex-wife placed on him.”

WWN has a long, rich history of breaking big sports stories: “Obama to Play in Masters.” “Dwarf Bullfighting Is Becoming the World’s Fastest Growing Sport.” “Belichick Dog Depressed — Trippy, the beloved dog of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, is in a deep depression following the Super Bowl.” This is enterprising journalism, people, stories you’ll see nowhere else.

Compare the above to the thin gruel served up in The Hollywood Reporter. Found in the way back pages: “NBA Star Steve Nash Will Focus on Film Career when Lakers Contract Expires.”

Which story do you want to read: Trippy, the depressed dog, or Nash, pathetic Hollywood star wannabe?

Accessories Magazine. Yes, nail-biting economic reporting: “Ascena Hopes to Save 7500 Jobs from Fashion Bug Closing,” but no sports. Zest Magazine, “Five top reasons to drink smoothies.” Could be a sports angle in there.

How about the Journal of Cardiopulmonary Rehabilitation and Prevention Magazine? Lead article: “Peripheral Artery Disease.” There could be a rehab angle. Alone, you and the busted whatever. The agonizing gym hours. The running up and down shopping-mall steps. Getting back into shape, getting back into the game, making the perfect catch as the buzzer sounds. Might work.

And, speaking of respiratory infections, how about Perfect Horse Magazine? The issue I’m looking at has a banner: “Keep Respiratory Infections from Turning Deadly.” Could be a fit with Peripheral Artery Disease Rehab Perfect Catch Comeback.

Ah, here we are, the current issue of D Magazine, a Dallas city rag. Splash on the cover: “Best Suburbs!” Photo of five middle-class moms standing behind five baby carriages loaded with babies. Yes, it’s a monstrous, soul-killing sight. But, no worries, that’s only a come-on to get you to buy the glossy. Inside, we have real sports. Behold: “The Most Amazing Bowling Story Ever. When Bill Fong approaches the lane, 15-pound bowling ball in hand, he tries not to breathe.”

You want to read it right now, don’t you?

Here’s The Family Handyman with must-read articles “How to Get Rid of Junk” and “Plumb a New Bathroom.” You’re wondering where the sports news is. Take a gander at “My Best Backyard Idea Ever: Eliminate Grass Trimming.” I see competition. I see two guys, two grass trimmers. A child’s life is at stake...

Too much? Okay, here’s mainstream: Beckett Sports Card Monthly. Lead article: “Visiting a Legendary Card Collection.” Be there.

The gold standard in hobby craft is BEADWORK. “Bezel around a bottle cap.” Promising. Could be sporty. Sounds sporty.

Here we go, Predator Xtreme. “Nest Robbers: Serve ’em justice!” “Brush Poppin’ Coyotes.” “Fur-Friendly Bullets.” Sports news you can use delivered with a uranium-tipped bullet.

American Cowboy. “New Cowboy Hats Tested & Reviewed.” Pass. Farm & Ranch Living. Ditto.

Acreage. “Ticks: An Unpleasant Fact of Rural Life.” Maybe a warrior sports angle. Man against crazed, blood-sucking, human-hating, impossible to kill...

ADDitude. “The nation’s first consumer and lifestyle magazine for people with Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder.” There’s got to be a sports section in here.

American Cake Decorating. “The Chicago School of Mold Making Announces 2012 Mold Making Class Dates.” I see a mold-making race for the Cake Decorating Championship. Trippy’s life is at stake.

Sadly, American Cheerleader Junior has ceased publication.

Backyard Living. “Step Inside to the Friendliest Backyard in America.”

Barely Legal Magazine. Black polybag shipping — MUST BE 18 YEARS OF AGE. No prison orders.