Tiger’s Back on Top, or So They Say

Here it is, Thursday, D-Day for the 2012 Masters. And here is Tiger Woods stepping up to the tee for his first drive.

The man does have a hold on us. Only Tiger Woods could go 2½ years without a win on the PGA Tour, then win one tournament, the Arnold Palmer Invitational, ten days ago, and be installed as favorite to win the Masters. This, for a guy who finished 2011 holding down the 135th position on the PGA Tour money list.

As everyone must be sick of reading by now, Woods has won 14 professional major golf championships, good for second place behind Jack Nicklaus. He’s won 72 PGA Tour tournaments, been PGA player of the year ten times, ranked number 1 male golfer in the world for 281 consecutive weeks, and blah, blah, blah. Forbes reported in 2009 that Woods earned over $1 billion during the course of his career. He was 33 years old at the time.

Then came the bust. You know the bust, the automobile wreck at the end of his driveway, wife bashing in the rear passenger windows of his Cadillac SUV with a golf club in order to — I love this part — rescue him. The parade of sex workers, of mistresses, the endorsement deals canceled, followed by the $110 million divorce, and, most of all, the 2½ years of lousy golf. Which brings us to now, entering the Masters as the favorite.

You do know the lad has a considerable medical rap sheet? We’ll start 18 years ago with surgery on his left knee to remove two benign tumors. Ten years ago surgery to remove fluid in and around the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL), on his left knee. Five years ago a rupture of said ACL on his left knee. Four years ago has arthroscopic surgery on his left knee. Two months later he is diagnosed with two stress fractures on his left shinbone; two weeks after that has ACL reconstructive surgery on his left knee. Six months later he ruptures the Achilles tendon on his right knee.

And this is only the stuff we know about and does not count all the tournaments he’s withdrawn from due to injury, the latest being three weeks ago at the Cadillac Championship. He withdrew, limping, after 11 holes in the last round due to soreness in his left Achilles tendon. But he wins Arnold Palmer’s tournament the following week and is now a 4-to-1 favorite to win the Masters. Fantasyland.

Fantasyland doesn’t mean he won’t win; I can’t tell the future any better than you can, but for the first time in years I’m tempted to place a serious bet. I probably won’t because then I would root against him and I don’t want to do that because Tiger has become interesting again. Not for golf, he doesn’t play Tiger golf anymore, but for living through the shitstorm that has been his life. He’s kept out of jail, kept out of public lawsuits, has not been seen drunk or fornicating, and he’s still playing golf. Time has passed and it’s all starting to die down, everybody is drowsy and starting to...drift off...and then...

Hank Haney, Tiger’s ex-golf coach of six years, releases The Big Miss: My Years Coaching Tiger Woods. Of course, it’s a betrayal and money grab, selling out Woods and his profession for a few bucks or, more likely, payback. Still, waiting for the Masters is a nice touch.

I’m not saying Haney is a professional exploiter and money grubber. Not at all. To find a real pro at skinning the last dollar bill off Tiger Woods’s back we must look to the Porn Industry.

Distinguished porn director B. Skow is releasing to DVD his porn epic, Three Mistresses: Notorious Tales of the World’s Greatest Golfer, on Friday.

The film is high concept and tastefully done. Three of Woods’s former porn mistresses (Josyln Jamesm, Devon James, and Holly Sampson) have sex with Tiger Woods look-alikes, have sex with each other, and answer questions about Tiger Woods while fondling themselves. As director B. Skow says, “People are not going to expect this type of serious interview in a porn movie.”

Yes, I know, it’s awful, betrayers and whores taking advantage of Tiger, making money off his name. Sickening.

April 1, 2012, examiner.com. Nike Golf unveils new Tiger Woods gear for the Masters... “When he steps up to Tea Olive’s tee box (the first hole in Augusta National), he will be dressed in the 2012 TW Collection, his own signature line that includes the upcoming Nike Free Golf shoes that is set to drop this summer.”