The NFL in 60 Seconds

AFC West: Kansas City (3-0). Not bad for a team that’s only racked ten wins over the past three seasons. Is Kansas City worth a 3-0 record? Chiefs head coach Todd Haley says, “We’re still trying to figure out what everybody’s top end is.” I think that means he doesn’t know how good his team is. Oh, happy innocence.

San Diego (1-2). Their season doesn’t start until late October. Come back for the Week 7 game against New England.

Denver (1-2). Tim Tebow demoted to Number 3 quarterback. Price of cattle futures crash.

Oakland Raiders (1-2). Follows is a decoded message from Starship Al Davis, “I really liken this team a great deal to the team of 1980, in which the great Jim Plunkett pulled us out of the doldrums, took us to the Super Bowl as a wild card, and we had so many great players who eventually made their way into the Hall of Fame.”

AFC South: Houston, Tennessee, Indianapolis are (2-1). Houston on the rise, Indy sliding, Tennessee steady as she goes. As for Jacksonville (1-2), how did they get an NFL franchise?

AFC North: Pittsburgh (3-0). The worst-looking undefeated team in the history of the world.

Cincinnati Bengals (2-1). Am I the only one whose eyes roll up every time I hear the word “Cincinnati”?

Baltimore (2-1). They beat the Jets, lost to Cincinnati, and their quarterback is named Flacco.

Cleveland (0-3). Committed team. They’re losing every game by 7 points or less.

AFC East: Miami (2-1). The invisible hand of Bill Parcells.

New England (2-1). Beating weak teams at home. Pats played one away game and lost by two touchdowns.

New York Jets (2-1). Coming close to living up to their hype and fun to watch. Coach Rex Ryan doesn’t care what you think of him and, incredibly, doesn’t care what the NFL thinks of him. Then, there’s a redeemed LaDainian Tomlinson. Not to forget the hero of Sunday night’s victory, bad boy wide receiver Braylon Edwards, arrested for DUI on Tuesday, served up as media fodder for the rest of the week. Jets management, putting civic duty above self-interest, told Edwards that he would not play the first quarter of Sunday’s game. That’s 15 minutes, people! Edwards subsequently caught a 67-yard touchdown pass.

Buffalo (0-3). Still dealing with the losing-four-Super-Bowls-in-a-row thing.

NFC West: Seattle (2-1). Pete Carroll, on the run from USC, is doing better than expected. That’s enough. For now.

Arizona (2-1). Lost to Atlanta by 31 points. Beat Oakland by 1 point. Who are these people?

St. Louis (1-2). Lost to Oakland.

San Francisco (0-3). They need a new owner, new stadium, new coach, new quarterback, otherwise seem to be doing okay. A lock to be the most overrated team in the NFL.

NFC South: Atlanta (2-1). Falcons could be legitimate. Atlanta beat the Saints in New Orleans. Highlights include a 19-play touchdown drive and making a 46-yard field goal in overtime. Doing what winners do. Tampa Bay is 2-1 for no apparent reason. New Orleans (2-1) wins ugly and loses ugly. Carolina (0-3) has been busy with the kids.

NFC North: Either Chicago or Green Bay will be 3-0 after Monday night’s game. The loser will be 2-1. Can we move on now?

Minnesota (1-2). The knives are out. Bret Favre avoided becoming sports gruel thanks to a 24-10 win over Detroit. That bought him another week. The Vikings are 7th in the NFL for rushing yards and 25th in passing yards. Sportswriters are tired of Favre proving them wrong and will slit his throat as soon as it’s safe to do so.

Detroit (0-3). This is what happens when your owner is crazy, but not crazy enough as to require court oversight.

NFC East: Philadelphia (2-1). Michael Vick is back. You can see why he was once the highest paid player in the NFL. Up until 18 hours ago Vick was the most despised person in sports, but since owning the starting quarterback position, he’s become a heartwarming success story. Saying that, the man does have the stats. Zero interceptions this season. Played in three games, has a passer rating over 100 in each of them. Regard Sunday’s contest against Jacksonville. Vick completed 17 of 31 passes for 291 yards and three touchdowns. Ran for another touchdown. He has two remaining obstacles to deal with in order to complete his comeback: Michael Vick and Andy Reid, a head coach who can’t stop himself from needlessly screwing with his quarterbacks.

Washington (1-2). Plays their worst games against the league’s worst teams.

New York Giants and Dallas are 1-2. How did we get that lucky?