Nation’s sexy soldiers stage protest at Pendleton in wake of change in Marine uniform policy

Last week the United States Marine Corps announced that it would no longer require female Marines to wear stockings with uniform skirts, a policy shift that came about as the result of one anonymous female Marine. Further, it announced, “hose, when worn, should harmonize with the natural skin tone of the individual.” The news came as a serious blow to local sexy soldier costume enthusiast-turned-protester Oora Saluté. “What even is the point of Halloween if I can’t dress up as a Marinette, and what even is the point of dressing up as a Marinette if I can’t wrap my gams in a pair of proper fishnets? It’s like they don’t even want me to be sexy! I’ll tell you one thing about that anonymous Marine: you can bet she doesn’t have stems like these.”