2024 named as suspect in string of dumpster fires

Last week, the San Diego Metro Arson Strike Team was called to investigate more than 20 fires set in 10 separate locations — including numerous dumpsters — over a one-hour period in the middle of the night. At first, they were baffled. Then they looked at a newspaper. “I remember thinking, ‘Oh yeah — it’s an election year,’” says Team Captain Mel Ancholy. “And it’s already looking like a Trump-Biden redux. Should be awful. Plus, we’re looking at further hikes to water and electricity rates, more homelessness, increased worldwide instability, and an absolute torrent of crappy sequels out of Hollywood. Oh, and the rise of Artificial Intelligence, which will probably mean the end of humanity. So yeah, when it came to dumpster fires, 2024 should have been our prime suspect from the get-go.”