How Scholder Got His Groove Back

RETRACTION: Troy Scholder did not, in fact, say any of the things attributed to him below. That is why this story appeared in the Almost Factual News section of the San Diego Reader. However, it is entirely factual that Mr. Scholder, "a Hells Angels member, pled guilty to kidnapping for robbery where he and several other members of the Hells Angels kidnap [sic] a former member and stole his motorcycle and other belongings," according to the San Diego County District Attorney's captured and convicted webpage. It is also entirely factual that he is currently charged with attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon in connection with an attack on a black man in Ocean Beach last June. In addition, because a photo in the Daily Mail misidentified another member of the Hells Angels as Mr. Scholder, this article originally ran with a photo of a man who was not Mr. Scholder. That has been corrected above.

"Once upon a time, the Hells Angels were the shit," says the motorcycle club's local leader, Troy Scholder. "Hunter S. Thompson made his bones by writing a book about us breaking his bones. Tom Wolfe made us out to be modern-day Huns in The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test, raping and pillaging our way across the nation on our Harleys. You know who buys Harleys now? Businessmen looking to have a little fun on the weekend, get together with their buddies and call it a gang, maybe have a custom jacket made up, one that matches the calfskin saddlebags. And when was the last time anybody shivered at the mention of the Hells Angels? It's all Antifa this, Proud Boys that."

The worst part, says Scholder, is that the haters are right. "All the stuff that used to make us badass is pretty much commonplace now. Drugs? Hell, weed is legal, and the stuff you can get via prescription is ten times harder than anything we ever handled. Wild, even violent sex-fests? Any dork with an internet connection and a credit card can ask some chick on OnlyFans to get as freaky as he can fantasize. Gang-style intimidation of law-abiding communities? Did you see the looting in Philly last week? These mobs in Frisco are driving drugstore chains out of town! And the freaking Proud Boys busted into the Capitol"

Happily, he says, he and his fellow San Diego Angels were able to hit upon a solution. "There isn't much left that's taboo in this country, stuff that can make the 'good people' clutch their pears and gasp in horror. But there is one thing: racism. No matter how many videos you see on X showing black dudes assaulting white boys and Asian ladies, you get a bunch of angry white men beating up on some blacks, you're going to get some serious attention and outrage. I'm not saying that DA Stephan is right when she says that we harassed and assaulted three blacks in OB last summer in a racially motivated attack. I'm just saying that after 17 arrests and a press conference where our jackets were trotted out like Nazi war material, we're back, baby."