Some Padres begin to wonder if they’ve been serving the wrong god

“It’s a tricky thing, having a sports team named after a Catholic priest,” says Padres Director of Spiritual Assistance Jesus Ramirez. “You’re sort of putting all of your eggs in one basket, divine-intervention-wise. And then on top of that, the Catholic God is one of those fellows who promises eternal paradise only if we’re willing to suffer the way his Son did while we’re here on earth. I mean, we’re doing that, but I’m not sure we’re doing it willingly. And while a saying like, ’The first shall be last, and the last shall be first,’ has a lot of initial appeal, it sort of sours when you started out the season expected to win your division and maybe the World Series. So yeah, I’ve heard the rumors about some members of our organization flirting with conversion. And frankly, it’s hard to blame them. We’re not the ones who hosted the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. That would be the Dodgers, who are 17 games ahead of us going into the end of August. How long, O Lord? Do not let your people become a byword among the nations!”