Irish Eddie Murphy’s laws

“My mama’s a witch and daddy’s a sorcerer,” says Irish Eddie Murphy. He sits down outside the liquor store, stroking his beard.

I offer coffee or Coke, but nope. “I’m going to get myself a couple of cans of raviolis. It’s sad, but I saw the 99-cent stuff, and I’m like, OK. Because I’ve got a $2 bill. I save $2 bills. They represent freedom and independence. Except the thing is, in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was signed by nothing but hemp farmers! Jefferson, Adams, Washington? Hemp farmers!” 

Is The Wizard an eccentric? Definitely. It runs in the family. His daddy’s name was Irish Eddie Murphy as well. “Just like the fellow that wrote ‘Murphy’s Law,’ which says, ‘If something can go wrong, it will, at the worst possible moment.’ I pray a lot, and when I pray for good luck, I get bad luck. Which is better than good luck, because you get wisdom. I pray for strength and I get weakness. And I pray for others, and that’s probably when I get my most wisdom, because if you want to get wisdom, you pray for poor people. If you want wealth, you pray for rich people. If you want to have fun, you pray for the ladies. They smile at me and they make my heart go pitter-patter. I’m a gifted salesman. I have read the book The Greatest Salesman in the World fourteen times. And I’m adamantly opposed to taxes, but by the same token, when I do get wealthy, I’m definitely going to give away 50 percent of my money, because I think it’s imperative to give back. When you give, you live.” It’s easy conversation, marked by these little rhyming couplets.

“I’m also trying to learn new stuff,” he says, “and I just told the people at the library: they’ve got an awesome media room in there, but what they do is they let you reserve it for yourself. So when you’re in there alone, you can’t be teaching yourself. You don’t know what you’re doing! So I told them, I’d rather have six people in there. Then everybody’s learning from each other.”

He also searches for those gold coins featuring Sacagawea, the Shoshone guide for the Lewis and Clark expedition (1803-1806). “On the coin, she has her baby on her back. And I do feel like we need her guidance, now that we’re headed for a maybe little bit of war. I’m fifth-generation Irish-American, and every one of my ancestors has been in [a war], and I just feel like right now, there’s a lot of people ain’t pulling their weight. And it’s kinda like what China’s doing. They’ve given us stuff. And when you give people too much, it makes them weak. Because I don’t want something for free. As I say, I have my PhD, my Pan-Handler’s Degree, heh heh. I give and I take. So what I’m doing now — because most people don’t read! — is these 14-page e-books. I’m brief, blunt, and done. I like to talk about situations that cause me pain, and turn my tears into laughter. And you want pain? Last night! These Padres lost by three to the Draft Dodgers. They’re gonna need a little magic. I’ve offered.”