Critics were quick to criticize Rancho Santa Fe resident and gubernatorial hopeful John Cox for his decision to bring a 1000-pound bear to his campaign kickoff event, with some voicing their objections at the event itself. Whether or not Cox took their criticism to heart, it seems unlikely that he will repeat the stunt, since the bear removed his head just minutes into his kickoff speech. “Governor Newsom thought he could poke the bear and get away with it,” said Cox immediately before his demise, poking the bear for illustrative effect. “He thought he could abuse the people of the great state of California and get away with it, locking them down, taking their freedoms, playing with their lives and livelihoods. Well, he can’t, and I’m here toAAIIIIIEEEEEE.”
Former San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer: “The poet W. B. Yeats wrote that ‘the center cannot hold’ because ‘the falcon cannot hear the falconer.’ But Yeats didn’t live in 21st-century California, where the lines of communication between governor and governed have never been more open. In a time of bitter partisan divide and rampant extremism; I’m here to tell you that the center can hold, because the falcon can hear the Faulconer, and vice versa. I don’t know about the rough beast slouching toward Bethlehem to be born, but I do know that I’m marching toward Sacramento, waiting to do my part to restore the Golden State to the its golden age. I took over San Diego from a crazy liberal who thought the rules didn’t apply to him, and I’m ready to do the same for the entire state.”
Candidate Caitlyn Jenner: “The butterfly has long been a beautiful symbol of transformational change, even before Silence of the Lambs. And transformational change is something I understand intimately. I also understand just how badly California needs that kind of change. For too long, it’s been trapped in an increasingly ill-fitting image of itself and the way it needs to be. Clearly, that identity no longer works for it: Silicon Valley companies are decamping to Texas, movie and television studios are filming in Georgia of all places, and Latinos can no longer be counted on to vote Democrat no matter what. Partly because Democrats keep calling them Latinx, which is not a name they’ve chosen for themselves. It’s time for real change, California; that’s why I’ve adopted the California sister butterfly as my campaign’s spirit animal.”
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Governor Newsom responds: “As this photo from two years ago makes clear, I was way out in front of these yahoos with both the bear logo and the transformational butterfly imagery. This is just one more sad attempt by Republicans to co-opt my successes while ignoring the fact that while I may have made some errors in judgment during these unprecedented times, I never, ahem, lost my head. As for Faulconer, if he wants to try to rewrite one of the most iconic lines of 20th century poetry and so make his poor instincts clear to the world, I’m happy to let him.”
