New Year's resolutions for your favorite opera persons

Since it’s a new year and many of us have resolutions, let’s consider some resolutions for some of opera’s most famous characters.

Don Ottavio, from Mozart’s Don Giovanni, is the fiancé of Donna Anna whom Don Giovanni rapes in the opening scene of the opera. Giovanni then kills Anna’s father in a duel. Ottavio talks about comforting Anna by killing Giovanni but, come on, no one Ottavio is going to do anything except sing/whimper the eternally co-dependent aria “Dalla sua pace.”

Don Ottavio’s resolution is to take Jiu-Jitsu classes in order to address the beta male stench of which he reeks.

The Count and Contessa Almaviva, from Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro, might want to consider some olympic level couples counseling. While a young man, Almaviva disguised himself as a poor student in order to have Rosina (The Contessa) fall in love with him for himself instead of for his title. This is the subject of Rossini’s The Barber of Seville.

Now much older, Almaviva has proven his true self to be a philanderer who wants to exercise “first-night” rights with his servant Figaro’s bride. This is the 18th Century version of a midlife crisis – and we think society hasn’t progressed much.

Finally, the Count speaks some gentle words to The Contessa but only because she is disguised as the bride-to-be servant girl. These few words begin to heal the relationship once the true identity of the Contessa is revealed.

The resolution for the Almavivas consists of finding a counselor who can guide them into a relationship based on truth since their entire life together has been based on mistaken identities.

Let’s speed these up a little bit.

The resolution for Carmen, from Bizet’s Carmen, is to read Eat, Pray, Love.

Alfredo, from Verdi’s La Traviata, is resolved to go on a men’s retreat where he will come to terms with his boyish infatuation with the greatest cougar of all time, Violetta.

The Queen of the Night, from Mozart’s The Magic Flute, will go on a week-long silence retreat. Papageno and Papagena will join her. Pamina will watch the Patty Hearst movie and come to terms with having been brainwashed to murder Sarastro.

Canio, from Leoncavallo’s I Pagliacci will start going to AA for both alcohol and anger. He will open an improv club and teach classes.

Based on the paintings from any production of Puccini’s Tosca, Cavaradossi, the so-called artist, needs to take painting lessons. So does Marcello from Puccini’s La Boheme.

Cio-Cio San, from Puccini’s Madama Butterfly and Santuzza from Mascagni’s Cavalleria Rusticana will Google “Resources for single mothers.”

Wotan, from Wagner’s Ring Cycle, will read Unlimited Power by Tony Robbins and strike a better deal with Fafner and Fasolt to build Valhalla.