The Chauffeur’s Tale

“Limo driving?” says Corb. “It’s not all bad.”

The guy should know. He has been driving execs around for 25 years. 

“I started in 1996, when the Republican Convention was on. I never left. I loved the job, even though some of it was more like nannying. So one day, we had a contract with a pharmaceutical company. Picked up a couple, CEO, CFO, whatever. They were going to LA to try to sell their company, get investors. Had two or three places to go to, like Studio City, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, where all the money hides out. If they sold it, they were going to LAX, getting on a plane, and then flying to Japan. So I was going to drop them off, and then come back to San Diego. 

“Lo and behold, they sold the company to the second place they went to. So they had time before their flight to Japan. So they go to dinner, and I unload them at the airport. Except two of them are going to stay and come back to San Diego — the CFO, and one of the girls in the office. The guy says, ‘Let’s pick up some champagne somewhere.’ I know these places. I’m like, ‘I’ll jump out, get the champagne, the glasses, bag of ice. You stay in the car.’ So, cool. Back in, pop the champagne, drive back to San Diego. 

“So we’re going along. I guess the music’s turned up a bit in the back, when all of a sudden, I can hear the windows in the back going up and down, rrr-rr, rrr-rr. The sun roof’s opening and closing like rrr-rr, rrr-rr, the TV’s switching on and off, and then the screen in between us is going up-down, down-up, up-down, up-down. I’m like, what’s going on back there? Are they trying to talk to me? Get my attention?

“I hit the button to drop the screen, so I can see what they want. This guy’s sitting in the middle of the back seat, this chick, too. They’re both stark naked. She’s on his lap, going at it like there’s no tomorrow. And she’s trying to get traction on the ceiling. She’s holding on to the top of the inside of the car, where all the controls are. And she’s hitting all the buttons, the lights. Everything is going on and off. What can I do? I just roll the screen back up, and take them all the way back to their office in Sorrento Valley. This was about midnight. I got out of the car, stood by the back door, gave them a chance to regroup. She gets out, all disheveled. He gets out. I say, ‘I’ll clean up in there. Don’t worry.’ And he was like, ‘I appreciate your discretion on this. I apologize.’ I said, ‘Understood. You’re not the first, you’re not the last. I’m well-versed. That’s why I’m in the front seat. We’re good.’ Because I had to. I drove for his company. He digs around in his pocket and brings out five hundred bucks. ‘Appreciate your discretion.’ 

“I tell you, limo driving isn’t all bad.”